Monthly Archives: January 2010

Thank you, multitudes


well, to all you out there reading this blog, I post a somewhat sincere apology for not posting for the past couple days. The reason it is only somewhat sincere is simply due to the fact that I’m being sarcastic about ALL the people reading this. Maybe there are tons reading this, just no comments. That’s what I’ll tell myself.

I have battled migraines for the past 2 if not 3 days. From what I hear, it’s par for the course with CFS. Paired with the body aches, the weak muscles, the utter fatigue of getting up from a chair, I have not had much fun the past few days. I think this might be a whiner-post. I have never had to deal with migraines or headaches to speak of really. I have learned all I want to know. Class dismissed. The lights, the sound, the pain is excrutiating. I feel for anyone who has had these “headaches” more than once!  The crazy thing is I still don’t feel that great…it’s as if the pain sucks the life out of you, then leaves you to handle the day with what it’s left.

I may write again later. Thank you, multitudes, for listening to me whine.

Gimme my 6-pack Abs!


For YEARS, possibly a couple decades, I have wanted 6-pack abs. We all see the girls on tv, the magazines, in the gym, I’m surprised we don’t see them on the radio. It dawned on me this morning that I have wanted to have a stomach like theirs for many, many years. I have recently been diagnosed with CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and feel as though it may have been a personal attack on this goal of mine.

Gone are the days when I would wear belly-bearing shirts and tanks to show off my abdominals. Don’t get me wrong, there was a day when I would have gone to get groceries or to the bank in a sports bra. As I am a tad older now, I don’t find this attire quite as appropriate as I once did. But I still want the abs so badly it hurts as if i did the crunches to get ’em. So I started wondering why in the world I would want abs like Pink’s or Britney’s if I wasn’t going to show them off.

I decided it was because it symbolized a goal attained. I have always been goal-driven. My parents, of course, had a lot to do with that. It was “Goal + Dedication=Reward.” We work for the things we want. We strive to stay focused on that goal with all our might. We let nothing get in our way or else we may not reach our goal. The muscles popping up around our stomachs is a public address that you have achieved your goal. After all, I said I wouldn’t go to the store in a bra, not show everyone who asked, or hinted, or looked at me.

And since it all comes back to God, I think growing closer to Him is a lot like that. We let so many activities and habits get in the way of our relationship with Him. We want the reward, just like those abs, but we aren’t willing to do what it takes to get there. I don’t think I would continue to strive for a goal if I didn’t see the results and reward elsewhere. Meaning, if I didn’t know that a stomach like Janet Jackson’s was achievable, I wouldn’t spend another minute trying for it. But it IS achievable or we wouldn’t have those people we look to for prayer OR workout advice!

These people knew: There’s no shortcut. Years ago I bought “6 second ABS” a contraption that is not only noisy, but does not seem to do much for the region specified. That was me looking for a shortcut. That’s the way we are these days. Not only are we not willing to work for what we get, but it better be here before we turn around! In order to attain the goal of closeness to God, we have to spend time with Him, reading, praying, meditating, just being with God.

The bottom line? People have reached their goals, whether it be a new kitchen, a flat stomach, or a closer relationship with Jesus. We just have to be willing to dedicate ourselves to the goal. Now, where did I put my weights?

The Christian Mafia


Thank God I’m part of the family! This came to me before I’d even stepped out of bed. There’s a game called Mafia Wars. For those of you who haven’t heard of it, well, first, you may live in a cave, and second, it’s on the computer. In the game, you not only strive to work your way up thru the ranks, but your ultimate goal is to impress the Godfather. Given, these are not the most Christ-like ways to achieve the Father’s blessings, but in its defense, it’s not gory and graphic. For the most part. I may be rationalizing.

It came to me that as we grow as Christians, we soon begin to strive to not only achieve more for the family, but also to further impress our Father. He is the one who created us, but like children, He delights in us coming to Him with knowledge He already possesses. We move up the ranks from “baby Christian” to “mature Christian” with all sorts of levels in between! Our Father the Godfather…Our Father the Ultimate Godfather…Our God, Our Father, the Godfather. That might be tomorrow’s topic!

My Comfortable Comfort Zone


I am reading a book by Terry Crist, Leaving the Comfort Zone: A Call to Radical Christianity. Oooh, even the title is a little out of my “zone.” I’ve never really given much thought to how the zone works or where the boundaries are, but this book is making me realize my comfort zone is not very big at all. I am currently in a tiny bubble that needs to be popped.

“When you dance, leap as high as you can. When you pray, do so with all your might. When you weep, cry hard. When you repent, pour out your heart so that all of heaven and hell can hear you.” This quote is one I want on my wall. We hold too much in. We protect ourselves too much. This reminds me of a movie where all the man can say is “Yes” to everything. Given, the values in this movie were not all Christian, but the concept was a good one. He stepped out and said yes to every opportunity that came by. What if we said “yes, God” to every thought that came from Him? I think we know more often than we let on that it’s God that’s telling us what to do. As humans, we don’t want to be told what we can and can’t do. It’s in our nature. You have to laugh when someone says, “I don’t deal well with authority,” or “I don’t like being told what to do” because, in reality, who does?

“When we don’t know how to properly react, we usually reject.”  How many times does God get rejected? How many times can he count that we have heard Him, but silently said no? He is that voice inside that calls to us, asking gently, “Will you do this for me?”


Today I feel as though I’m in need of a revelation…and yet I’m not taking the time to listen to the One with the answer. There are other things to do…laundry, computer games, TV (Lord help me, if I watch one more reality show with people trying to lose weight…) It seems when I think, “I need to do my Bible study” or “I should pray for _____,” there’s something that pops up. The cat’s out of food, i need to clean out the coat closet, a sock needs darning…

As Christians, we are called to a high mission. We are called to pray, to preach, to live godly lives, to rely on God’s power for our strength. It’s a constant battle with not only the enemy, but with ourselves. This week I’m making an effort to spend 1/2 the amount of time I do on the computer in the Bible. It’s not easy. There are all kinds of distractions to avoid…oh my, look at this floor, I need to vaccum…

CFS Ray of Sunshine


First of all, I must print a “retraction” to the hoards of people reading this: Praying to change your life is the name of the book I had the pleasure of reading the other day,not Praying for a Change.  Please forgive!

Well, I have chronic fatigue. For those of you who are thinking, “Who doesn’t?” I’ll tell you who doesn’t. Most of you. For those of you who feel tired or who have ever been exhausted, I don’t pity you. I have been there. However, most of you haven’t been where I’m at right now. Where I have been for the past 5 months. Chronic fatigue is something completely different from anything most of you have ever experienced. I got up at 10 am and by 4 pm, i had taken 2 naps. i became so breathless in the grocery store, i had to go sit in the car. I became dizzy and lightheaded. I have now developed somewhat of a fear of passing out, as i have done so about 3 or 5 times in the past 6 months. My muscles will only do so much work and will only be taken so far before they inform me that they are done. (They don’t really speak to me for those of you wondering. I have CFS, not schizophrenia.) Tack these symptoms on to recovering from dental work and you’ve got a ray o’ sunshine. Gotta go, my fingers have stated they’re done typing.

Numbing agents and such


Here I sit, numbing agents worn off, with 4 new crowns. They’ve always said you get crowns in heaven, I wasn’t aware until yesterday that I would receive them here on earth as well. Temp crowns even, I hope the ones in heaven are more permanent. It’s been a “big day,” as my mom would unwaveringly state when we were tired as kids. No matter the situation, whether we’d hung around all day watching Zach chase Kelly on Saved by the Bell or mowed 5 acres with the push mower.

My big day has consisted of the dentists’ office visit, which is not a frequent visit for me as I tend to require medications recognized as “downers” when I stop in. I realize the fear of dentists is not an original one. I try to be different since “normal people” tend to scare me severely. It’s not that I’m terrified of the dentist himself, it’s more a) what he’s going to do with that large gun with a shiny needle-like point b) how many times he plans to utilize that gun of sorts c) whether there is enough anesthetic (I have actually been caught trying to turn the nitris to the highest level before the hygienist walked in) d) whether that anesthetic will wear off while the high-pitched buzzing runs through my cochlea e) how I will pay for this carnival-like experience. The things I enjoy, well, are few, but I love with all my heart to look at all the employees’ teeth. I would rank this somewhere between finding a brand new Victoria’s Secret bra at Goodwill and finding a 20 dollar bill in last years jeans. Their teeth are usually beautifully white, impeccably straight, with just the right amount of “flaws” to let everyone know they’re not dentures. I might eat a frog for teeth like that. I had braces for years, but still don’t have teeth like that. And quite frankly, I think it’s time to surrender the fantasy. I went for a consultation with an orthodontist a couple years ago and he deemed me “braces-worthy.” I can’t even imagine going back to all those emotions and feelings of isolation. Not to mention, now they have hearts and stars instead of the plain square brackets that scream I need more help than that from an orthodontic professional.

It is Wednesday and that means it’s Career Improvement Day. I plan to read 1 chapter in a dysphagia book. Yesterday in honor of Self Improvement Day, I spent 1/2 as much time reading as I did on the computer. It gave me a full hour to read in a book called, “Praying for a Change,” by Suzette Caldwell.

Stinky, Old Day vs. New Day


Hello to all of you that I’m sure are now reading this blog (as a new blogger, I am intensely optimistic re: the success of my posts)!

It’s the first time in a long time that i’ve been up before 11 am. It is 6 am here and I feel as though it’s a new day. Probably because it is, as opposed to the stinky, old one I had yesterday. As of 5 months ago, i am unable to work due to the extreme muscle fatigue and other symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome(CFS). I don’t like this diagnosis. At first, I thought it was blanket approach, if you will, as the doctors had no clue what it was they were dealing with. After my heart, lungs, colon, esophagus, muscles, and blood all checked out a-ok, CFS was what was left. I believe a “diagnosis that has no cure nor an explanation is not a diagnosis” at all. Thank you to the character on House for that line.

Speaking of TV, why must there be commercials at the same time on all channels? I am a chronic channel-flipper, even more so since I’ve been off work, and I’ve found it is very rare that I watch part of one show while the other show I’m watching is on commercial. i don’t know what I did before DVR.

Ok, back to my diagnosis which is not a diagnosis at all. So, by the process of elimination and several specialists, hospital visits and a stay, lab work, procedures, tests, and whatnot (what a GREAT word!) I sit here wondering what to do with myself. I thank God that it is not a worse diagnosis. After all, who LIKES their diagnosis? However, I literally had a man tell me he thought he “had a touch of what I’ve got” because he didn’t sleep well last night and had a cold. I doubt this happens to those with “worse diagnoses”.

So, CFS, not to be confused with country-fried steak, has left me searching, not only for the proper diets, exercises, and routines, but also bored. Did I mention the ADD diagnosis?

Today is Self-Improvement Day, otherwise known as Tuesday.

Cryin’ by the dryin’


Goal #1: to help others with a “subgoal” of helping myself.

for some, a weekly cry may seem like overkill, but for those of us with CFS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, i think it’s necessary. I have been diagnosed with this within the past 6 months and am still figuring out how to deal. Did I mention I had just started a career, after obtaining my degree, that I loved when I was diagnosed? That brings me to the cryin’ by the dryin’: I found myself slumped next to the dryer, wondering what I was going to do with myself until all of this passed. And I know it will. How? I am a Christian who believes that all things are possible with Jesus. He did not create us with a spirit of fear, nor did He assume that we would be failing losers at anything we attempted. I try to recall this each time my muscles spasm with shooting pains and give out due to fatigue, or I sleep until 12 noon after going to bed at 10 pm, or I pass out with exhaustion after a 10 minute shower. My intent is not to throw a pity party, although I do have those days as well, but to let someone out there know that they are not alone. and to allow myself to “vent” (that is an intended pun, with reference to the post’s title) feelings and frustrations.