i’m so discouraged. i can’t feel anything but pain in my knees. they hurt to the point where I cry. And that’s uncommon for me. I don’t think it’s so much a pain thing, but more of a pity thing. pity for myself. isn’t that a pretty image? it’s 3 weeks until the 5K and i hurt walking from the kitchen to the chair. it’s these days that I am so tired of fighting, yet what else would we do? I know there are others out there that have it so much worse. i wish they were here right now. We could have a pity party.
God will come through for me. I will one day be a runner. I have wanted to run since I was little. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with CFS that I went after that goal. Funny how it takes a real kick for us to get in gear with what we want out of life.
I love the feel of the sun on my face and the breeze. Running just takes you out of your head. I love that I can think or not think at all when i run. It’s not the same for walking. When you walk, you wave at people. You look at houses. You calm a barking dog.
When you run, you run. That is your focus. There’s no extra energy to wave at a passing car. There’s no time to glance around at the scenery—only to feel the scenery. God’s creative creation surrounding and enveloping your unsuspecting body. Your focus is on Him and your breathing. Left. Right. Left. Right. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget the ADD meds, running makes me focus on what’s truly important in life.
There will come a day very soon when I will be able to experience “feeling the scenery” for more than 1 minute at a time; and for that day, I will patiently and faithfully wait.
Ok, I wake up at about the time I wanted, actually a ½ hour before, and realize that I have nothing to do today. Some might consider this to be a good thing. I hate it. I have had over a year of days where I have nothing to do. I make up things…i.e. Spanish lesson, CEU course, grocery list-making for when my hubby can go with me to help, blogging, you get the idea. So I go to walmart* for a few things (*I refuse to capitalize walmart, they are big enough already.) I am getting ready to embark on a new phase of Mission “Attack CFS!” by changing my diet drastically to see if I have any hidden food allergies. This idea, in and of itself, has put me in a bad mood.
I am already taking supplement after supplement (you should taste my coffee right now…not much coffee taste left in it.) in the hopes of finding a deficiency somewhere. I just finished one cleanse only to embark on another. This whole process honestly seems like something someone diagnosed with “an excess of energy” would proceed with. It definitely doesn’t seem like I should be the one, the one with a diagnosis of CFS, should be participating in. I’m the one who can’t walk through walmart without getting short of breath. I’m the one who can’t cook dinner without getting lightheaded and dizzy. I’m the one who must be near a chair most days if I feel as though I may pass out. I am the one who doesn’t take a pity party day very often, but it seems as though this may be the day!
Sooo, back to the diet…for some reason it scares me. I think, “Oh no! What if I want to eat something that’s not on my diet?” like I’m the first person to ever do or think this. I think, “Well, I’m sure I’ll survive.” Let’s be honest though: Who wants to survive if you can’t have coffee, chocolate, sugar of any sort, bread, or pasta? I can’t even have peanuts! I love peanuts with a fiery passion—I eat them at least 4 times a week. They’re a good filler. And what do I love even more than peanuts, but never buy, except on special occasions because they’re so expensive? Pistachios. Nope, can’t have those either. A friend told me to concentrate on what I could have and to this, I say, “Bite me.” I am beginning to think I am too old for all this changing of diet. After all, I have eaten this way since I was, say, 3. 4 maybe? I am thankful for all of you who listen however as I face yet another adventure in the wide, wonderful world of CFS. Stay tuned!
“Praise God I’m off my meds!! I decided to go off them because I felt like God and I could handle this head-on. As long as I look to Him for my strength, I’ll be alright. Don’t get me wrong–the battle continues and the enemy continues to tell me everything will indeed NOT be alright. I question everything re: my treatments and I don’t think that’s an accident or coincidence.”
Ok, so this if literally the start of a blog a few months back. I was a huge chicken and didn’t wanna “lock myself in” to a statement. Saaaaaay, like if I truly needed to go back on meds, THEN what would y’all say? I can practically hear Jesus now, shaking His head, maybe chuckling to Himself, “Oh ye of little faith.” Well, it’s true—I was on faith shortage shortly after I took a mega faith-filled step! The truth is that I haven’t been back on the meds prescribed to me since March. So, that would mean that I have been med-less for 6 months now. THAT’S A MIRACLE!! THAT’S MY GOD! Forgive me for doubting us, and the team that we make! With you I can do ALL THINGS! God is good and through Him and Him alone, I will one day be in better health than I have ever been in my life. I believe that with all my heart.
Note: This is not to say I haven’t been taking supplements like a mad woman. I fully realized that if you treat your body like I did for years, you must build it back up with the good stuff. Magnesium, iodine, B’s, just to name a minute few.
So I walked/ran/jogged for 2.53 miles today. This is AWESOME! I ran, some may call it jogging, for .5 of that. My longest stretch yet. Now, for the disclaimer. *I did not, however, run that consecutively. I am of the mind that I will soon. If Molly Ringwald can start running at 41, after giving birth to twins, then surely I can run a 5K. It’s an amazing journey. It’s truly miraculous in my case, as I have chosen to train for something I have always wanted to do AFTER receiving a diagnosis; but I guess that’s how it goes for a lot of folks. You don’t really go after what you want until your chance may be disintegrating before your very eyes. I have pain in my legs and a lot in my knees, but I am drinking a glucosamine shake of sorts after my session. I wanna be a runner so badly I can feel the shin splints now!! I find myself wondering how much of the pain is CFS and how much is “typical,” but I think that’s why I like it. I’m doing something to CAUSE the pain. It’s not just there for no reason that even the doctors can’t explain.
well, here I sit…trying to work up the energy and the motivation to go outside for a walk. I was up to 2 1/2 miles per day, then my body decided that wasn’t such a good idea. A problem with CFS, I’m noticing, is that it somehow dictates when and where you can perform at your optimum. It is the day that you see your old boss or a new friend that your body says, “Hey, I feel grrrrrrrreat!” or “I can certainly move more slowly than that 85-year-old! Let’s try…” I thought maybe I could take control over it, be the commander of the ship, and tell my body what to do instead of vice versa. That is proving to be more of a feat than I originally planned. I hurt. I’m tired. I just woke up from a nap and my body is in no way energized.
I walked over 2 miles the other day and then “paid for it” for the next 2 days. It is this kind of thinking that keeps me from going out, yet makes me more determined. Determination overfloweth in me. I will not lose this battle. I will not lose this war. The enemy can continue to fight, but so will I. I will endure and keep pressing toward my prize. This is only a small obstacle and the pains, spasms, fatigue, and migraines are temporary. I will do this. I will not back down. Now I just need to find my shoes.
Well, today marks the day I have begun the training for a 5K. As I type that, I feel a flutter in my stomach for a few reasons. a) I’ve never ran a 5K before b) I’ve never been a runner c) I have trouble running at all right now due to a leg issue d) I was diagnosed awhile back with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) which adds a whole new twist to things.
I believe that I can do anything. I am putting this to the test and as added incentive, I plan to keep y’all up to date with, prayerfully, progress toward the goal. I will be running, God-willing, for Gracie’s Hope and Hearts—an organization for those who have lost a child due to complications at birth.
Today the goal is to walk 3-5 miles. I have put in 2.45 and plan to walk again this afternoon/evening. My body feels like J-E-L-L-O…only with more pain.