Monthly Archives: February 2016

The Day I Screamed at God

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The other day I got so frustrated with symptoms that seem to be out of my control. Among other things, there’s the dizziness, sheer fatigue, skin issues, muscle pain, bruising, and overwhelming frustration. The latter being what prompted me to scream at my Creator. I cried out, looking into the mirror at my seemingly-broken frame, shuddering in complete and utter defeat. “You’re not helping me!” I said. And even as I think it now, I realize how simple our God makes things and how unbelievably complicated we do. The things I can’t take care of I’m trying to take care of and the things that I can and that I am in control of, I’m not controlling. I can say all day “It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, my body still isn’t rested” as I stay up watching TV until 11 o’clock at night. I can say “Oh, my stomach hurts. My stomach is killing me, but I can’t stop eating the things I know I’m not supposed to.” I figure out, through people God puts in my path no less, what vitamins or supplements will help me on this journey, but do I take them? No. I forget. They don’t seem to be that important. Do you “hear” how ridiculous that is?
The Serenity Prayer comes to mind. As I try to sort everything out, logically and mechanically without emotion, and then with emotion just for variety, I realize, I am exhausting myself! I can’t keep up at this rate! I can’t keep up at this pace! To sit and think about everything that’s going wrong within your life and within your body is exhausting. If we don’t take control of the things that we can control, our life is not in balance. It’s not what God has in mind for us. The abundant life is not one based on the HCS (Headless Chicken Syndrome). We can’t run around screaming at God. We can’t run around shouting out how we aren’t getting any help when we’re not helping ourselves. God gave us a brain and resources to utilize. I feel the Holy Spirit in that. God gave us a brain and resources to use for our benefit. To further his kingdom as a healthy, happy, excited and joyful group. We aren’t meant to be struck down and disgusted with life. We aren’t meant to sit around eating until we can’t eat another bite, flopping off the couch, counting “going to the bathroom” as cardio, and wondering why we don’t feel well. God created us for movement and our bodies are meant to worship our Creator.
I had to get down and get super honest with myself, asking if that’s what I have been doing. Or if my flesh was trying it’s ugly little selfish head yet again, wailing about how it wants what it wants when it wants it. (*Foot stomp.)
If you get nothing else done today show, prove, that you are thankful that God created you. And you can, in fact, scream at God, He can take it. My God can handle my little fits just like I can handle my toddlers’ fits. (Although He does it with waaaay more grace and mercy than I do.)
Just know that as soon as you scream at God, He’s most likely going to want to take part in the conversation. And (I  laugh as I tell you this): He’s ALWAYS the One that’s in the right. He’s got it figured out…which makes me wonder if God was waiting for me to take the time to consult Him in the matter. Hmmmm…

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Making Rocks Move

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What do you do when your faith can’t move a rock? What do you do when your faith won’t move a piece of gravel that sits in front of you, staring you down? What do you do when you can’t fix cancer? Or keep someone you love from going through the worst pain of their life? What do you do when you feel like God is just waiting for that opportune time to fix things when OBVIOUSLY the best time is now?
I’ll tell you what I do. I get really impatient, to the point of screaming and throwing things. Sometimes I clean house like a mad woman, all the while saying words that should have been left behind in a small-town factory. I question everything. Everything including my life’s purpose, what God truly has in store for me, if I’ll ever get there, how I’ll get there from where I am. Then when I’m close to defeating myself with myself, the enemy comes in. I hear things in my head like “WHAT are you doing? Why would you even bother? Are you really making a difference? What could you possibly do in this situation to make it better?” And as I hear this being whispered in my ever-so-willing ear, and after I’ve pouted for a little while, (because let’s be honest we all like to pout and stomp our feet for at least a little bit) I start to believe it a teeny bit more each time. The enemy is so patient. He’ll wait for us to slowly believe it and in the words of Terri Clark, “I just want to be mad” sometimes. It’s what my fleshy nature loves to do and I can be quite good at it. The enemy is helping me to perfect it. Unfortunately, at times, we work as a very productive team.
However, in the words of my Pop, I pull my boot straps up. In response to “WHAT could you do?” I realize that prayer is exactly what I do in this situation. And after I’m done praying- really praying, not those two second prayers that I call “praying” sometimes- I get my praise on. I thank the Creator of the universe for giving a crap. (Yeah I said it.) Thank you God for giving a crap about me. That is truly my prayer of thankfulness this morning. I’m just trying to be real and say something true and be honest. Because some days that flowery stuff just doesn’t cut it. Being a Christian in this world, at this time, is hard because we forget that we’re human. We don’t allow ourselves the luxury of just being who God loves and who He created. He knows exactly what’s going on in your head. He knows how you feel right now and He knows how much strength it takes to get up again after being knocked to the ground again. He knows some days I can’t even find my boots, much less the straps. Don’t let the enemy tell you on the lie that God doesn’t care. Because even on those days that all you want to do is lay low, cry, and give heed to the lies, the truth remains. It still remains that God loves you so much that He sent His only Son to pay the price. There is nothing more important than that and whatever you’re facing today, face it. Head on. Look it in the eye, and say “My God is bigger. My God is better. And my God will take care of me.” And in the words of my kids’ favorite story, David and Goliath, in their children’s Bible: “You fight with a spear and sword, but I fight in the name of God!” And David knew how to move a rock or two.

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Fits and Blessings

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My 2-year-old threw himself down on the floor. He wanted a sucker and there was nothing that would stop him today. I admired his persistence. The only hitch in this story that truly baffled me was that he already had one. The red, heart-shaped sucker he had chosen was in his mouth. On this particular occasion, he was upset because he…hmmmm…I try to remember his age and do my best not to rationalize or analyze or any of the other “i/yze’s” but “pathologist/therapist” is in my job title. It’s difficult to separate sometimes between others’ situations requiring diagnosis and treatment and my own 2-year old throwing a “typical” fit. (Even as I type “typical” I have to put it in quotes and wonder how typical it really is, as I make a note to research the latest findings on typical childhood development.)

Nonetheless, this event, this stressful, enraging, and blood-pressure-elevating-event (for both me and him, mainly me) got me to thinking if we do the same with God. We sit on our hypothetical kitchen floor, crying out to God that what we have is not what we want or what we ordered. It’s not how we pictured it; it’s not the same as the brochure or the commercial! I picture God with the same look of bewilderment I had and then laugh to myself at the thought of our Heavenly Father bewildered.

God saved me from a dead-end life. My life is certainly not what I thought it would be, but I think that’s a good thing. The enemy tried to kill off any dreams I had of prosperity and success. God saved me from that pit of despair. Now, even though I should know better, I sometimes sit wondering why I don’t have this already or what’s taking so long on that front? I don’t say the actual words, as that may be considered disrespectful, but  God, what are you doing right now that you can’t just send down a hefty check that will pull me out of this mess? What are you doing in regards to my health? Have you thought about what we talked about last week God? I chuckle as I type this because God is so incredibly patient with us isn’t He? Even when we’re on the floor frantically screaming that we don’t want that anymore, we want something different, surrounded by tears and blessings. Today I’m going to do my best to not overlook all God has already done in my life and trust that my future is still His too.

Overwhelmed

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Here’s my to-do list for the day: visit the nursing home, schedule kids vaccinations, three appointments for work (did I call him yesterday about today?) haircut, deposit to the bank, pay electric bill (or is it due next week?) call and cancel that silly 30-day trial (did I really think THAT would work?) look for tarp to cover up junk in garage (wait, I’ll move that to the hubby’s list) remind hubby that I want a white tarp, buy Kleenex (stupid cold…) do devotion, find book for devotion…

Bleck. Here comes that “O” word that I am really growing to dislike immensely. Overwhelmed. I can’t do all this God! I think to myself, as I begin to tear up over my healthy breakfast consisting of oatmeal that has been reheated 3 times. I’m sure the microwave has zapped all the nutrients right out of that stuff by now. I feel the tension rising up in my shoulders and a massive headache starting right at the base of my skull. Rebuke it, you say? I don’t think I have the energy for that. I’m just being really honest here. God does honest right? Yes. God does honest. He can’t lie. So, as I’m sitting at the table pondering what to take for my ever-growing migraine, I hear His voice whisper in my ear, as only He can: “Be overwhelmed by Me.” The tears that welled up earlier are back, no longer threatening to spill over, as they already pour onto my cheeks with an odd sensation of happiness, relief, and exhaustion. God is good, you may have heard. When is the last time you stopped to breathe that fact in? God’s ability to calm us down and lift us up at the exact same time is unbelievable to me. He always knows what we need and all we have to do is stop, focus on Him, and breathe. It is truly that simple. My body only does so much. It can only go so fast. I can only keep my foot on the gas pedal for so long before my physical limitations cause me to crash in a fatigued heap on the floor. Mount Washmore (AKA my pile of laundry) appears to have more energy than I do at this point. I’m tired. Yeah, I said it. I’m tired.

Then here comes my God. He swoops in like a Superhero because that’s just a fraction of Who He truly is. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to sleep. It’s ok to NOT work until you can’t possibly work anymore. It’s ok to be still; do you remember how to do that? It’s ok and it’s all gonna be alright. He saves me. He already saved me from death, from addiction, from a couple disorders like PTSD, and He continues to save me each and every day if I let Him. He restores my soul. Wouldn’t that make a good Scripture?

I’m praying for every one of my brothers and sisters in the family of God today that they realize we can’t do it all. We aren’t called to be God. Only God can do it all. We are in human form and we can’t change that right now. Calm down and let Him lift you up. Let Him overwhelm you with His amazing personality. Pray and let Him do some of the work you’re trying to do on your own. I’m sure He doesn’t mind.