Monthly Archives: February 2010

My thoroughly-worn recliner

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Ahh…reality tv. Anyone who’s had enough, say, “Aye! Aye, aye, aye!!! Arrrrrriba!! Andole!” Got carried away. I love the Spanish language with a passion and I have vowed to learn more of it this year. Ok, off topic. That’s what happens when you combine CFS and ADD. As I sat in my thoroughly-worn recliner flipping through channels, I find myself in the world of a 16 year old girl who’s pregnant. She thinks it’s not going to be that hard to raise a child. Next. A grown “man” has attached wings to his four-wheeler before sailing down a home made ramp. He kisses his mom, saying, “If anything happens, at least he went doing something he loved.” Next. A beautiful middle-aged woman living in CA contemplates why her “friends” stab her in the back and constantly talk about her because she’s the only one who has a job. The women who laugh at her have spent literally tens of thousands of dollars for their “plastic” bodies. Is it a surprise that women with fake body parts would be anything less than sincere to your face?Next. A has-been rock star stares at the floor as he contemplates who could’ve “caused” his drug and alcohol problem. His mother sits, crying, as she prays just one more time for his recovery.

Life is too short to spend time: kicking yourself for where you are, taking stupid risks because you think life is a game, depressed because your friends aren’t who they said they were, or determining where your parents screwed up. It’s not even about us. It’s about Jesus. His character. His strength. His love. All of these things He showed here on earth. That should be our focus. Not why we turned out the way we did or risking our lives to figure out why God didn’t give us wings. God fixes all of our glitches. Anything sour, ugly, hurting, foul, unholy, proud. He fixes it. We just have to finally do one thing:  look to Him to do it. Sounds simple, right?

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Where’s the Vitamin F?

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I finally decide, “Ok, I think I’ll look for a support group today. La dee dah…” All I find are people with CFS not only complaining about their symptoms, but offering NO helpful suggestions but vitamin supplements. Vitamin D, Choline, B 5, B6, B12, Vitamin F! (Ok, so there’s no Vitamin F, but there might as well be.)

What is someone with CFS supposed to do? read these every day, see how tired and whiny everyone is. discuss how they think, maybe, just maybe, the B6 had an effect on their energy levels at 5 pm the night before. I am sick of feeling tired and fatigued. Those of you with CFS know the difference between these. The pain isn’t even addressed in the title of the syndrome which COULD BE why everyone downplays it. Who names these anyway? I wanna talk to whoever it is that named this syndrome as the fatigue is only ONE integral part. If anyone has any ideas as to where I could find some real support besides a good bra, lemme know.

What a Stupid, Ugly Name!

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Fibromayalgia…just the name is ugly. That’s the new diagnosis. If you can call it that, as there are no official tests except…”Hey, if I press here, does it hurt?” I find myself in the same situation I was in when I got my diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome—“I don’t like that one!!! I want a different diagnosis! What a stupid, ugly name!”

I began this blog to give me something to do and for free therapy for myself, but also to help others. I have found I am not much help at all.  When I do bring up the topics of CFS, muscle pain, fatigue, and whatnot, I realize I have more questions than answers AND I feel like I’m whining and complaining. And who wants to read that?? After all, we can all go to a reality show like Keeping up with the Kardashians for that.

 I go to these doctors who for whatever reason, good or bad, tell me they can find nothing and they agree with the CFS diagnosis. I get it–I have it, but what caused it?? How long will it last? Are there more symptoms to come that I haven’t had yet? Where’s my roadmap??

After trying to figure all of this out myself and showing my “true human” side, I thank God for my husband, my everlasting, earthly rock. He points me in the right direction by not only quoting Scripture, but also by setting an example by praying. Simply praying. What a wonderful gift in and of itself.

My Spirit’s Too Tired to Talk

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Another MD appt. today…thanks to meds i am functional. Functional meaning I can be up for about an hour before my body tells me I need to collapse for about 2. The questions I really want the answers to, no doctor can answer:  How do I know when I’ve recovered/and am capable of working again? My body is telling me it needs to rest, but for how long? What do I do now?

I don’t mind the syndrome. I know what that is. CFS leaves me unable to move and speak. CFS renders me immobile at times. CFS affects every aspect of my life from friends to family. I know all these things. For over 6 months now I know these things. I mind what I don’t know. I don’t know how long it will continue. I don’t know how long I’ll have to take 3 naps a day. I don’t know how many meds are too many meds. I don’t know how I can sleep for 16 hours straight on a regular day. I don’t know what’s causing my legs and arms to aches. I don’t know why there are sharp, stabbing pains in various parts of my body. I don’t know all these things. Sadly, neither does the doctor I’m about to go see.

 I heard last night that a man tells his “spirit what his body will do.” my spirit’s too tired to talk.