What if it isn’t well with my soul, God? What if everything in my world just got shaken to the point of never being the same? I’ve never known shock or loss or heartache such as this.
I know my world shaking doesn’t throw you off your throne, but I think that brings about more questions than answers for me at this point. You are on the throne, right? Why aren’t you stopping these things from happening? I know you can make all the bad turn into good and work out for the best, but why bother doing that? Why not work good for good without the mess?
Hearts are shattered. Rivers of tears flowing. Your people are hurting and I’d love with all my heart to be the one saying “It is well” but I can’t. It hurts too bad for that right now. God, I know you’re good. I know you weep with us. But why would you if you don’t have to? I know you have a plan, but why would that plan involve removing the pillars of the foundation for your kingdom? We need you now. You gave your life so that we could have ours. It’s a very sad one right now. I know we don’t have to understand everything. Maybe we wouldn’t feel better knowing all the why’s, but it sure feels like that would soothe the pain somehow.
We continue to look to you Father for comfort when we need it most. The enemy is doing exactly as you said he would: stealing, killing, and destroying. And you are doing exactly what you said you would: comforting, providing, healing, and bringing peace. God, I’m empty and numb. I need you to fill me up with everything you’ve ever promised. You’ve never let me down and I know you won’t start now. I hope you will lead me to the place where I’m able to say “It is well.”
Today I find myself craving more. I need more than what I’m able to do. I need to experience more than what I’m able to accomplish. I need more. There has to be more than simply staring at this miniature computer in my hands. I feel like I’m missing something. TV no longer has any appeal. I don’t want to see dead bodies, crimes, or step into the twisted minds of those committing the crimes, individuals making really bad choices and living below the abundant life, or people winning money for answering dumb questions there should be no use in knowing. I don’t want to sound superior, I’m just sharing my heart. I need more than what TV or my phone has to offer.
I don’t want my kids growing up thinking TV is god or never seeing my face without a device in front of it. I don’t want them thinking that I find googling random things or socializing with strangers more entertaining than they are. I want more for them too. I don’t want them thinking that the internet is the be-all/end-all for life. Isn’t it strange how unfulfilling it is even though we’re full of information? I don’t need more worldly knowledge, I need more life in my life.
Proverbs 3:13 says “Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding…” I feel like I have understanding in some areas, but not in the ones I truly desire to have it. What’s the point in comprehension of things that don’t matter to me? Or to God? I wanna “get” what God says. I know that makes me different, but maybe not so different from you. The only way I can come up with to do that is to study, actually study, what the Creator of the universe says. Then listen when He wants to say something to me. (I’ve heard the world try to tell people this means you’re crazy. If so, put me down as a nutcase. God talks to me. Get over it.)
I’m making it a point, especially this week, to take the time to listen for the wisdom God wants me to know. There is a fulfillment that can only come from what He has to offer and I’m waiting patiently and expectantly for it.
See, the thing is, (I’ve always wanted to start a post like we were in the middle of a conversation) that I don’t feel like doing things. Ever. I love going to church, but I never feel like going to church. I never feel like going to the grocery store or to the park with my kids or outside to hit a ball around. I can remember two moments in the past decade when I thought, “This is fantastic. All is well. I couldn’t possibly feel better. How exciting!” I think this may be the definition of an autoimmune illness.
I’ve recently spoken to some people who have no idea what this feels like…to never feel like doing things. One of the women, in her 80’s, said she’d never been sick a day in her life until her first bout with pneumonia. Another man said “My wife and I have always had good health” and they’d been married for 60-some years. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, but I gotta admit, I’m jealous. I want so badly to feel like doing things. I can’t imagine not having to fight myself every single day to accomplish what needs to be accomplished. After all, I still have a job. I have 2 unbelievably talented kids who deserve the best mom ever. And I have a husband who deserves to be loved forever. And the truth behind all of this is: I hurt. I ache. I pop. I cry. I never feel good. And I don’t write these things for pity (Eeyore voice: “I doubt I’d get it annnnnywaaaaay.” Ha! I cracked myself up on that one.) I’m just offering perspective. I hold onto those 2 moments in my head of times past when I felt good over the past 10 years. I remember those like it was yesterday. I had no pain anywhere. I wasn’t dizzy and I smiled an unbelievably real smile. If I thought for even a second those moments wouldn’t return and were gone forever, I’d stay in bed all day every day.
When I did the Physique and Fitness competition, that was me, fighting against my biggest enemy as well as myself. It wasn’t to show off a super-fit body onstage in front of an audience, although that’s exactly what I did. It was to prove that I win. I’m only in competition with myself and I win every time. I didn’t care what the other girls looked like and I wasn’t even upset when I didn’t win (ok, a little upset…I worked HARD!) It was an accomplishment showing what one can do if one blocks out the other voices, the voices that say “You can’t, you won’t, you are only human, this hurts, this aches, this is too hard!”
When you have to fight yourself as hard as someone with autoimmune issues does, you realize how strong you are. It’s one of the biggest ironies in my life that the only one tough enough to take me out is me! (Thank you to my husband for reminding me of this.) I know God has a plan in all of this, because I haven’t come this far for this to be how far I’ve come. Eleanor Roosevelt said “With the new day comes new strength.” I refuse to give up even when I feel like it. And I won’t back down. I don’t know how.
In Luke 7:33-35 (NLT) Jesus says “For John the Baptist didn’t spend his time eating bread or drinking wine, and you say, ‘He’s possessed by a demon.’ The Son of Man, on the other hand, feasts and drinks, and you say, ‘He’s a glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of tax collectors and other sinners!’ But wisdom is shown to be right by the lives of those who follow it.”
Do you ever feel like you just can’t win? It struck me today (not literally…although it kind of felt that way) that Jesus didn’t live ashamed. I know this may seem remedial to some of you, but don’t you feel as a Christian sometimes we keep our wisdom-filled mouths shut when we shouldn’t and our judgy hearts scream out judgment when they shouldn’t? I feel like Jesus is saying, “Look, it doesn’t matter what I do here, you’re simply not going to accept me. You either will or you won’t. And if you don’t, that’s your choice. I’m surely not going to force you.” It’s just not His style. And boy, does He ever have style…
Do you ever feel like you have to shrink yourself down when around people who don’t believe the way you do? Or that you’re not educated enough to speak on such subjects? Or that you are a peacemaker and not a confrontational person, so that is the reason you don’t address controversial topics? After all, Jesus came to bring peace on earth right? (Matthew 10:34) Didn’t He? Nope. Does love always present as peaceful? I don’t think so. This makes me a little tense because I like happy, non-arguing people.
But, are we going to “love” people right down into their forever graves? God says we are never alone, but that we have so little faith. Is it possible we can be truthful and upfront about our beliefs without being judgy? Can we do it and keep everyone happy and peaceful? Do we need to worry about that or can we let God do what He does best?