Monthly Archives: May 2011

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So, this am began as many do: with me in search of coffee (decaf now as I am preggo…yes I like coffee THAT much) and a plan for the day. Last nite, during a much anticipated storm, I vowed to pray for a certain amount of time in order to get a little closer to the God I know in a fragmented way and love dearly. As I sat down, I remembered I had to make a phone call. Then as I began to type, I got a phone call. It was at this time that I realized I needed to start dinner. You can guess how it goes and how distraction, even important ones, play a role in keeping us from doing what we need to.

It was brought to my attention that God has many names and the reason for that is so that we can begin to understand Him. For instance, He is not only our Provider, He is our Protectector and our Friend. There are so many facets to God, I can only hope to one day know Him as one of His numerous names. He is our Tower of Safety, which I greatly needed last night, and He is a Lord Who Heals. I know from first-hand experience He is a Healer, as I should not be able to do half of what I can, due to a syndrome. As I type this, I feel something tell me that I can’t do many things and that I never did my 5K and that there are many days where I feel as though I’ve been hit by a MACK truck. I hear that if God is a Healer, then what happened with my uncle? He had cancer. Is cancer too big for my God? One of the most immense and important ways I have grown in this walk is recognizing the voice of the enemy. He is always there to question, condemn, steal, kill, and destroy—he does this on a daily basis to people’s hopes, dreams, and joy. He tells me that no one will benefit from my writing this and I’m wasting my time. And to that, I say with all the maturity I can muster, “Ppppppppppbbbbbbbfffffffthhhhhttttt!” (I think that’s how that’s spelled.”)

The fact is, I started this blog as a means to my own end…to pain and hurt, both emotional and physical. It was my therapy, as no one, not even your mother wants to hear when you say you don’t care if you live or die. That’s exactly where I was at not too long ago and God has not only delivered me from a deep, dark, self-pitying depression, but also from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome complete with Fibromayalgia pain. He has saved me from my own choices in that I no longer choose to drown my feelings in a can of beer and I no longer have to hold a cigarette in my hand if I am stressed…or happy…or saddened…or bewildered. (I really love that word.) My biggest fear is that I will be judged and I know now that fear is not an option for me any longer. I have become a bold, Christian woman, one that doesn’t shrink back and disguise herself as one who doesn’t know anything about anything. God is good, all the time, no matter what lies the devil throws your way. It is because of Him that I am able to put myself out there.

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Shaken and Stirred Faith

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I figured out why others’ deaths are so difficult for me to handle. It’s because I suddenly feel as though I don’t know God. I not only don’t know Him, but I don’t know His will anymore.
Back when I got down with my illness, I had people tell me that I would be healed. I had what I believe to be a true prophet tell me God spoke to her saying I was already healed of this disease. I read a book by Kenneth Hagin that stated we already know God’s will in each sickness situation: to heal. Just today I read on a Facebook post that if it wasn’t God’s will to heal, then why did Jesus do it? I believe all of this. And I stand firm in my faith…or at least I’m trying at this point. It honestly feels somewhat shaky and I’m waiting, crying out for God to stabilize it. The reason for my shaken faith is my uncle’s passing. He had battled liver cancer for the past 4 or 5 years, which I hear is longer than the “usual” time for liver cancer battlers. I prayed. We prayed. Strangers prayed. Family prayed. Churches prayed. The effectual fervent prayers of a righteous man availeth much.
They callled in hospice on Friday and he passed on Tues morning. Was it a lack of faith in prayer? Was it God’s will to not heal him? My God is able to overcome anything…so why didn’t He overcome this nasty disease for my loved one? I have gone back and forth wondering whether I should put this in print. The conclusion I came to was that I am not the first, nor the last, to question God. And He knows what I’m thinking already. There is no hiding. I tried that for many, many years. If this is in any way affecting someone negatively, I ask forgiveness and apologize. My hope is to receive some kind of answer that I can be at peace with and when that happens, which I’m sure it will if I know my God, I plan to let you all in on it.