Tag Archives: pain

Dirty Ice Cream

Standard

Smith Wigglesworth said, “You must have a brokenness to get into the depths of God.” Psalm 34:18 lets us know that the “Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.” I haven’t met many Christians who haven’t been through some “stuff.” That word “stuff” covers a lot of ground. Loss, hurt, disappointments, tragedy, physical, emotional, and spiritual pain, just scratches the surface it seems. People are amazingly resilient, but without God, I can honestly say I don’t know how anyone would make it through a fraction of it. Without truly knowing that God is in control and that He’s not shakin’ in His proverbial boots, many of my own days would have sucked even more. (How’s that for waxing poetic?) I’m just trying to be honest here.  

This life is hard and to say it stinks sometimes just doesn’t cover it. And I can’t do “churchy” when real people have real problems. “I’ll be praying” doesn’t cut it when brokenness threatens to take over. Don’t misunderstand me, prayer works, and if more believers were doing more of it, we’d be changing more situations. God will answer your prayer. I believe that. The brokenness that unbelievers feel must be the most gut-wrenching, detrimental emotion because I know my own brokenness is that way sometimes with God on my side. Jesus loves me, and He loves me so much He allows me to grow. That means life isn’t ice cream and rainbows and puppies. That ice cream may fall in the dirt, the colors fade into dreary gray, and that puppy pees everywhere. That’s real life. And for real life, we need to turn to the One Who created it. He’s not responsible for cleaning up our messes, but for some reason He helps us out of so many of them. We’re here for a reason and we can’t lose focus. Losing focus is the easiest, wide path. Truly learning Who God is and how far His love reaches for us individually should be on our To-Do list for the days/weeks/months/years ahead.  

Advertisements

A Headstrong Babe

Standard

Headstrong. Motivated. Strong. Healthy. Positive. These are all words that I use to describe myself. I am currently “speaking” strong and healthy like it’s a lifeline thrown from a cruise ship I’ve fallen backward off of. For those of you who don’t speak “Christian-ese,” there are many references in the Bible regarding the tongue and speaking things as you want them to be and overflowing from the heart through the mouth.

Everything, and by everything, I mean physical symptoms including daily migraines, pain, fatigue, dizziness, distractions, my appearance, etc. has come against this goal of mine to be healthy and strong. Some might say that it’s because the devil heard me state my goals. And for those of you snickering, (as I often do) I’d challenge you to look your goals and your fears in the eye (I’m not sure you can do this at the same time. Try it and report back.) and identify what could be holding you back. Maybe the devil/enemy/adversary/satan theory is just the simplest escape to not chase after what you truly want. I just heard again yesterday that it’s not the fear of failure, but rather the fear of success that frightens us. The infamous “What if?” Many times it’s used negatively as in “What if the roof suddenly falls on my head?” But what if we decided to use it in a positive light? (See what I did there?) What if we decided to go for it? What if you learned Latin? What if you read 104 books in one year? What if you studied harder for that job you really want? What if you got out of debt? I don’t know what your goals are, but I do know when I’m slackin’ on my own. (Spellcheck is alerting me that I spelled “slackin'” wrong. I beg to differ. Slackin’ was a commonly used term in my house growing up.) “The hardest moments are a calling to something greater.” We were made for more. This life is about more than trudging. I refuse to trudge with a frown on my face, wishing things were better. Set some goals today if you haven’t already and chase after them with everything you’ve got and maybe even something you don’t believe you have yet. You very well might fail. Babe Ruth also held a record for most strikeouts.

Within the Realm

Standard

Within the same hour, I received news that a co-worker gave birth to a long-awaited baby, a friend had lost a nephew in a car accident, and an amazing couple may have a chance to adopt. On this earth, there is a realm of possibilities. Within that realm, we are free to chase our dreams and experience so much happiness at times, we’re not sure we can stand it. Also within that realm we are allowed to experience pain and gut-wrenching hurt, so much so that life suddenly feels different. We witness death, we see abandonment in a child’s eyes, we hug a woman who just lost her son. Our life is instantly altered, whether we acknowledge it or avoid it. We attempt to place ourselves in different shoes while thanking God and all that’s holy that we don’t have to.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV)states we are to give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for us in Christ Jesus. “All circumstances?” This seems so easy on days when we are cherishing life because of a newborn, but what about those days when a mother stands next to her once newborn’s casket? The feeling and questions of whether she can make it through this come from the very depths of her soul, the realm that only God understands because no one else can go that deep within us. That hurt is indescribable and too gruesome to speak. Our worst fears realized on a day that was completely “normal.” That’s within the realm of possibilities too. God knows that realm and that pain. He cares about us, whether we find it easy to throw up our hands in praise or to our heads in sheer angst. He’s there as we walk this realm out, knowing the perfect time to reveal the new one. There’s a realm that He created that looks absolutely nothing like this. There’s no tears, no pain, no angst, no gut-wrenching hurt that appears like it will continue through to oblivion. This isn’t the realm He had planned for us. He promised to walk with us while we’re in it though. And if that doesn’t mean much to you and you can write it off as unimportant, I believe with all my heart, soul, and being that God is going to become very real to you very soon.
Whether your heart is full of hope or hurt right now, I pray that you remember that the realm of possibilities is a vast one and there are opportunities for growth on both ends of the spectrum.

From 3 to 17 Years Old

Standard

So here I sit. I want to be lying on the couch, watching old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, feeling guilty about watching Grey’s Anatomy, but here I sit. I’m a wallower at times. This is what I’m learning. I like to wallow in my “sorrow” whatever it may be and some days, I’ll make it up. The postman will give me “a look” or a passerby won’t smile and I’ll stomp like a 3 year old in my mind and give a “HMMMMPH!” in true, snotty princess fashion. Then I dwell. I dwell there like it’s my couch when Grey’s Anatomy is on. (I literally just started watching this show less than 2 months ago and like any good nighttime soap opera, it sucked me in.) In true fleshy, human fashion, I like to dwell and mentally rehearse situations over and over ad nauseum in my head until I can’t possibly stand to think about it anymore for at least 14 days. I’ve also been in some sort of revert pattern where I block out anything that I should do and blatantly choose to do something I want to do instead. I wonder if it’s a mom thing. For instance, instead of buying toilet paper, I buy a new lipstick. (Ok, that’s an exaggeration. I already have lipstick.) I rebel against myself. It’s not helpful to my, oh say, life. I find myself behaving like a 17-year-old, shrugging my shoulders, shaking my head, upper lip jutted more than Jagger’s, stating defiantly, “I don’t have to do that. There’s no way I’m gonna do that.” It’s all-encompassing and selfish and I am resentful. I don’t get to live the life I want right now. I get tired. And I hurt. And I don’t get to do everything I want to do. I don’t even have the energy at times to stomp like that 3 year old. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but maybe, on some level it will help someone. Sometimes you feel like you’re in the boat alone, but in reality, it’s a packed cruise liner. I’ve gotta be really honest and say I hope it does, but I don’t care if it doesn’t. (It’s my blog and I get to make it about me whenever I want.) God’s bringing me through some stuff. I don’t really want to learn anything new right now. I’m fighting him the whole way at this point. I wanna get sucked in to McDreamy’s next surgery and Korev’s childhood issues instead of dealing with my own.  And truly, something in my heart just got set free. I think maybe because I was honest with myself about my own idiotic, scowling selfishness. I gave it a name as I heard a therapist, possibly on Grey’s Anatomy say. Maybe now I get to shake it off. Day 6 of God30 and I might be on my way to enlightenment. The 17-year-old who seems to be living inside me gives a sarcastic eye roll.

Always to the Left

Standard

Well, in doing some mental calculations, carrying the one, then dividing by the year, and subtracting no symptoms, I come to the realization that I’ve been dealing with this illness for over 6 years. (I never was very good at math.) This is very discouraging to me because waaaay back in the beginning of my “diagnosis”—it is a “diagnosis” because a diagnosis usually has a cure, a treatment plan, and clear cut symptoms to rule out and pinpoint, but Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has nothing of the sort. I’ve always rejected that “diagnosis” and will forever put it in quotes to denote that I wholeheartedly disagree. Ok, , so way back when the doctor said this to me, he said it usually worked itself out in 5 years. At the time, I thought, “5 years? Who has that kinda time and patience?” As it turns out, I do.

It’s been over 6. I’ve seen everyone. Been everywhere. Had every test, including the one where they put a needle into muscle, then send electrical current through both to test conduction of nerves. I must say that was one of my least favorite. I’m not sure what my favorite is…that’ll be another article possibly. The doctor told my husband and I to stop trying to have kids after we obviously took a little longer to come to the conclusion to even have children. We decided our Bible said we didn’t have to. I’m so glad we stood in faith on God’s plan, not man’s. We have not one, but two amazing blessings thanks to Him!

I always hesitate to write about symptoms, but it is my hope and prayer that this will help someone. I’m a firm believer in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) but I also know what I deal with day in and day out. I’ve been healed since the beginning, but I’m certainly waiting (not-so-patiently) on the manifestation of that healing I guess. His thoughts are higher than mine…His ways are higher than mine…His thoughts are higher than mine…

So, here we go: symptoms I deal with on a daily basis, as this will be helpful to someone when I find my cure…

Dizziness, the kind where you try to blink to make it go away, but only makes your head spin more

Lightheadedness, a zoning out feeling making my head feel like it’s going to float off my body

Migraines, especially after I go to the work God has blessed me with

Falling to the left, always to the left (I appear to be the only one in the human race that finds this significant.)

Muscle weakness, an overwhelming feeling of unstrength in every muscle fiber

Utter fatigue, as in I can’t make my arms move anymore at times

Pain, in joints, but no particular one and in muscles, sharp, shooting, aching, dull, always a not-so-fun toss up of where it will be that day/hour

Susceptibility to other illnesses, a cold can take me down

Complete contentment at times with not breathing. This one may scare some, but it’s true. My body simply doesn’t have the energy to inspire at times. I stop, as though to give my body a break.

At one point, I had to call my husband, barely able to dial the phone to let him know that as I was driving to work, I pulled over because my body stopped. This happened at the very beginning of this journey when I dropped a pen while writing a report and couldn’t pick it up. The ambulance came and had to extract me from the vehicle, fully awake, just couldn’t make my body move. At least I’m different…*sigh.

I refuse to stop. I refuse to give up on this. After all, what choice do I have? I’ve seen specialists, taken up to 40+supplements a day, been on different prescribed medications, but in the end and through it all, I just need more Jesus. I don’t want to be the sick girl and I won’t be. I am the girl that Jesus healed because of her faith. I’m not sure what the plan is or how it will come about, but I know there’s coming a day on this earth, that I don’t have to deal with this. I know so many people have it so much worse than I do and for those I pray today because I have an idea of what it feels like, at the very least, to not have your day/life go as planned…

Spoons and Legos

Standard

I just found a spoon under my keyboard. A green, plastic spoon. Life as a mom is full of occurrences such as this one. Mason jar lids in the bathtub, floss picks in bed, and of course, the old standy-by, Legos on the floor (that turn into razors at nighttime, as the joke goes). I never thought my life would change quite so much when I was blessed with two small human beings to go on this journey with. I’ve never been quite so anxiously nervous, worriedly careful, spontaneously following a schedule and scheduling spontaneity, in my life. As it turns out, kids try your patience. Who knew? And why didn’t you tell me? Eh, I wouldn’t have listened.

Being a mom is an everyday roller coaster of emotions. “Ahhh, they’re finally sleeping. Dang it! They’re awake. Where do all these dishes come from? Yes! They love what I cooked! That DOES NOT go in the toilet!! NOTHING goes in the toilet! Welllllll….Nooooooo, don’t write on the TV! Ugh, will you pleeeeeeeeeeease listen to me? I mean it, it’s TIME for bed! NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE ANOTHER CUP OF WATER! Ahhh, they’re sleeping.” *Cue door slam or something heavy to hit the floor.

It’s every day and it’s every emotion it seems. God provides strength for each and every day and each and every emotion. If He did not, lemme tell you, I would not be here. He provides strength whether we specifically ask for it or not. I say this because I don’t always remember that what we ask for is ours. It is ours. Can it be this simple? Wisdom, strength, true happiness and joy are ours if we ask for it. Today, ask your Holy God, who also happens to be your Dad, for what you need. Whether it’s strength for your aching back as you attempt to rinse a little girl’s hair in the tub or freedom from the depression that keeps trying to pull you into the pits of hell, He’s there for you. He promised. Put Him to the test and He will not fail you. He can’t.

The NRR

Standard

So here I sit. This is one of my favorite ways to begin an article. I’m not sure but what I haven’t started out this way then removed the first line about 18 times. I feel as though I’m letting God down in that I am supposed to wake up early and write. I can’t seem to drag myself out of bed. 5:45. Before the kids get up. For one month. That was the deal. I am having issues with going to bed earlier or maybe the kids are having issues with going to bed earlier. Either way, I have a lot of excuses. It’s amazing how many I can come up with. My alarm rings at 5:45 and I shut her down. The body is weak. This body feels weaker than more than some. My spirit is thirsty for more God. Do you ever get that way? I just need more God. I need answers. I need secrets. I need peace. I need comfort. I need more reminders that it’s all gonna be alright. My shoulders dropped 2 inches away from my ears just typing that.

We go through trials. Some hard, some very hard, and some excruciatingly hard. Notice there are no easy trials? (That’s another thing I’ve been thirsty for…some easy ones.)

My body has betrayed me lately. I can’t do everything I need to do, much less want to do. The promise was given in 2009 that I was healed. I believed it then and I believe it now. Easy as that. Ha! Hilariously untrue! I have to battle each and every day to believe that God knows what He’s doing. Some days it just doesn’t look like it. The fact of the matter is I have to give up control. I once read that many people who have a fear of flying wouldn’t if they got to fly the plane. Having faith is anything but easy, especially when you’re the topic at hand.

Someone told me “it’s only symptoms, you’re healed.” This helped me for awhile. Every time I would get dizzy and have to grab onto the nearest sturdy object or my arms would go slack when I needed them most, I would speak, “These are only symptoms.” Maybe I’m wrong, but healing to me looks a whole lot like NO symptoms. What’s the point of being healed if the symptoms continue?? I could stay sick and the outcome would be the same.

I go about doing what I would normally do, if there is such a thing. I take care of the kids (2 under 3), clean the house, see a couple speech therapy clients, go shopping for items like chia seed, seaweed, flax and avocados, and then wind up sitting. Sometimes I sit with my head between my knees to attempt to stop the world from engulfing me. Many times, my arms will give out, meaning I can’t make them move. It’s like the signal from my brain to my hands has shorted. My battery has suddenly drained and I can no longer go. My face will stop working and I can’t smile, nor do I have the energy to speak much. I am dizzy and lightheaded and unable to get up by myself. (Lord, I pray this is helping someone because I suddenly feel naked in front of the class.)

My world goes on around me, mainly because of the love of my life and best friend, who also just so happens to be my husband. He takes care of the kids, makes PB sandwiches, gets down on the floor, and shows off some pretty spectacular dance moves to distract. My daughter will approach slowly, like sneaking up on a deer, and quietly ask, “Mommy, are you ok?” to which I reply, “Yes, baby, I’m ok,” followed up by, “Will you get me some juice?” I pray I’m done with these episodes soon and she doesn’t recall a thing.

After a few minutes of this reminder that I need God, I begin to yawn like I can’t possibly get enough oxygen where it needs to be. Then the pains come; sharp, shooting, sword-like pains move throughout any and all parts of my body, muscles, joints, head, anywhere. I don’t know where the attack will come, but it can sometimes take me down and knock the wind out of me and my spiritual sails. Which then causes me to ask questions such as, “Um God, where are you? What did I do to deserve this? When will this be over? How am I going to take care of my kids? Do you think a veggie pizza might help?”

After this, it’s to the NRR (New Red Recliner…I couldn’t let the acronym go. It makes me feel very hip and trendy…although now I’m questioning if truly hip people use the word “hip.”)
Nonetheless, sometimes I hear a couple dwarfs chanting, “I go, I go, it’s off to rest I go.” And I rest by taking a short nap. A lot of the time, I’m so much better upon waking. I get up and I can go again for a few hours, doing what I need to do. I refuse to let whatever this is beat me. I teeter on those words yet have to be careful not to push myself too far or I pay for it that day or the next. Someone called this the “push-crash syndrome.” You push too much then crash the next day.

Maybe this is part of my own personal therapy, but I have to be really honest, I hate sharing this. It seems weak. It seems self-loving. It seems ugly and it seems defeating. It is my honest hope that this helps someone to know that it’s not all sunshine and roses. There are clouds and storms and thorns a’ plenty.