Tag Archives: brain

Multi-Colored Straight Jacket

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I’m exhausted. Yeah, I said it. I’m not one to complain, I don’t think…I am one to overanalyze and pick apart to decipher what’s what and how I could possibly improve. In my prayer this morning, I told God all the things on my mind. And by things, I mean heavy things (how the church will impact our community) and little things (the pain in my elbow). I sit and wonder (about the little things ironically enough) if God healed us, then why does my arm hurt? I have faith. I have hope. I have love. I believe He can do it, so why on this Earth does my arm hurt? I’m healed by His stripes. He can make it stop instantaneously. (He, in fact, did this for me just the other day: I have poison ivy that was, well, you guessed it, itching. I prayed for it to stop. What happened? It stopped. Right then, right there, no waiting period.)

I get frustrated like it’s something I’m doing wrong. I crinkle my brow, open my Bible and get to work. I look for Scriptures that would help the situation. I look for that one missing piece that unlocks the rest of this crazy puzzle. I have an AHA! moment. Then the pain is back either in a few hours or the next day. I feel like crying, but can’t. People have it worse and all that, ya know? Then, the guilt comes. WHY would you pray about something as ridiculous as your joints when there are children who haven’t eaten in weeks? Elderly who can’t afford their medications…people with cardboard homes…Injustices running rampant throughout the world as we know it. Ugh…didn’t pray for that, now did I? I stink. I’m a horrible person. Why would God care about my elbow?

Then the tears come because it’s as if a light shines through that ugly dark hole of condemning and God speaks. Yes, He speaks. He speaks to me. If that’s the definition of crazy, then sign me up for the straight jacket (a multi-colored one, preferably) because the Creator of this universe talks to me. It’s not a voice that can be heard, although I’m waiting for that day too. There’s no explaining it. The Holy Spirit envelopes me in a warm hug, and suddenly, without warning, I’m dancing around like Olaf! God cares about me! He let me know this morning and then let me know I’m tired because I’m trying too hard. DOH! Be still, girl, be still. Rest easy, knowing that I’m God. All those thoughts that overwhelm you, pluck them from your mind, pull them down, and weigh them out. Would this come from Me? If I wouldn’t say that to you, toss it out. That’s not from Me and it’s certainly not for you.

When is the last time I was just still? When was the last time I just sat, breathing, knowing that my God is my God?

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Breathe

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As it turns out, you can give up some things in your life and still not grow any closer to God without an honest effort. I have been off Facebook for 18 days now, (not that I’m counting, I just noticed the date…I truly haven’t missed the noise of everyone else’s random thoughts.) and just realized I’ve spent only some, and by some I mean a few hours, if that, with God. Quiet, peaceful, beautiful, serene, let’s-hear-from-God-time. Without that determined effort, it doesn’t matter what’s going on in your life, there will always be yet another distraction that can take the place of quality time with the Creator.

I’ve been trying to breathe. Literally and figuratively. I get to a point where it’s easier not to breathe. My body sometimes thinks it takes too much energy and effort. So I just stop for a bit. A few seconds as if to allow my body time to catch up. I just stop. And the world doesn’t. It continues. There is no medical team rushing in as a machine beeps, there’s no concerned loved ones thwacking me, it’s just me and God. And a reminder that I will live the abundant life and that His promises are forever true and always there. My prayer today is for those who don’t feel like they can go on, who feel like they can’t do enough. Maybe not breathing isn’t the answer, in fact, I’m almost sure it isn’t, but taking the time to breathe in and out and just knowing that the God Who created you loves you, is the answer. Search no more, child, here He is. In your midst, all-knowing and ever-faithful.

 

Always to the Left

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Well, in doing some mental calculations, carrying the one, then dividing by the year, and subtracting no symptoms, I come to the realization that I’ve been dealing with this illness for over 6 years. (I never was very good at math.) This is very discouraging to me because waaaay back in the beginning of my “diagnosis”—it is a “diagnosis” because a diagnosis usually has a cure, a treatment plan, and clear cut symptoms to rule out and pinpoint, but Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has nothing of the sort. I’ve always rejected that “diagnosis” and will forever put it in quotes to denote that I wholeheartedly disagree. Ok, , so way back when the doctor said this to me, he said it usually worked itself out in 5 years. At the time, I thought, “5 years? Who has that kinda time and patience?” As it turns out, I do.

It’s been over 6. I’ve seen everyone. Been everywhere. Had every test, including the one where they put a needle into muscle, then send electrical current through both to test conduction of nerves. I must say that was one of my least favorite. I’m not sure what my favorite is…that’ll be another article possibly. The doctor told my husband and I to stop trying to have kids after we obviously took a little longer to come to the conclusion to even have children. We decided our Bible said we didn’t have to. I’m so glad we stood in faith on God’s plan, not man’s. We have not one, but two amazing blessings thanks to Him!

I always hesitate to write about symptoms, but it is my hope and prayer that this will help someone. I’m a firm believer in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) but I also know what I deal with day in and day out. I’ve been healed since the beginning, but I’m certainly waiting (not-so-patiently) on the manifestation of that healing I guess. His thoughts are higher than mine…His ways are higher than mine…His thoughts are higher than mine…

So, here we go: symptoms I deal with on a daily basis, as this will be helpful to someone when I find my cure…

Dizziness, the kind where you try to blink to make it go away, but only makes your head spin more

Lightheadedness, a zoning out feeling making my head feel like it’s going to float off my body

Migraines, especially after I go to the work God has blessed me with

Falling to the left, always to the left (I appear to be the only one in the human race that finds this significant.)

Muscle weakness, an overwhelming feeling of unstrength in every muscle fiber

Utter fatigue, as in I can’t make my arms move anymore at times

Pain, in joints, but no particular one and in muscles, sharp, shooting, aching, dull, always a not-so-fun toss up of where it will be that day/hour

Susceptibility to other illnesses, a cold can take me down

Complete contentment at times with not breathing. This one may scare some, but it’s true. My body simply doesn’t have the energy to inspire at times. I stop, as though to give my body a break.

At one point, I had to call my husband, barely able to dial the phone to let him know that as I was driving to work, I pulled over because my body stopped. This happened at the very beginning of this journey when I dropped a pen while writing a report and couldn’t pick it up. The ambulance came and had to extract me from the vehicle, fully awake, just couldn’t make my body move. At least I’m different…*sigh.

I refuse to stop. I refuse to give up on this. After all, what choice do I have? I’ve seen specialists, taken up to 40+supplements a day, been on different prescribed medications, but in the end and through it all, I just need more Jesus. I don’t want to be the sick girl and I won’t be. I am the girl that Jesus healed because of her faith. I’m not sure what the plan is or how it will come about, but I know there’s coming a day on this earth, that I don’t have to deal with this. I know so many people have it so much worse than I do and for those I pray today because I have an idea of what it feels like, at the very least, to not have your day/life go as planned…

He’s Got This?

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If you can heal me and your will is to heal me, then why am I still dealing with these symptoms? I can’t make it through this day. I can’t do it. I’m gonna lose it. What in the world is Your plan here? Wait, less work? I don’t have any less bills, God. And I thought this was the year we were getting out of debt? My hubby’s still sick after a week of this junk. How do I trust for more if I don’t believe You heal for a common bug? What about Dad? I thought he was healed…he surely doesn’t look like it as he has to rest after 5 minutes of activity. A double ear infection God? What’s going on with this kid?? I thought he was done with all this garbage. He’s already got enough of a testimony if you ask me. God, I need you to jack-slap me whenever you catch me being negative. Where’s my faith? What am I doing wrong? Who cares? I’m tired of trying so hard, God.

Every one of these statements have left my mouth this past week. As I type them out and get to see them first-hand, I see how much worry and anxiety each are riddled with. I think the point here is, I’m trying very hard. Do I need to try so hard? Or can I simply let God do what God does best? Which happens to be taking care of His kids. No. I simply cannot. As it turns out, that takes some work too ironically. As a human being, or as me, I have to be doing something to “help.” God has been walking me through this, but it’s not easy to kick back and let Him. (I picture us biting our nails and hangnails as God tries to grab our hand while we walk along His glorious beach.) Breathe in, breathe out and trust. I’m gonna try to open my Bible more and replace the worry with Word. Do a dance today as God just sent you a reminder that He’s got this!

Thoughts About Our Thoughts

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My thoughts are about our thoughts today. What’s goin’ into that beautifully-created brain of yours? Ideas and thoughts that build you and others up? Or are you feeding into the idea that it really doesn’t matter what goes in and how that affects your thoughts?
I personally heard “garbage in-garbage out” so many times when I was younger, I wondered if it was truly something I needed to prepare for by setting up trash service. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but now that I look around God’s beautiful green and blue earth, well, in short, I get it. We tend, as human beings to stink things up sometimes with our garbage. We say things we don’t mean, or even say things we DO mean, but are just plain mean! We don’t take hold of the thoughts that keep us down below the level God wants us (i.e. “You’re not good enough. You can’t do that. Whaaaat? You’re gonna go to church??” Or “Whaaaaaat? You’re gonna ASK someone to go to church?”) We are to grab onto these thoughts after we identify how they affect our actions, and just throw ‘em out. Replace them with a positive thought and go about your day. I believe it’s one of the most effective methods to change your life.

Say you’re taking a nice country drive (people still do that where I’m from) and you’re enjoying the sights: deer, sunshine, green leaves, gorgeous pastures, and then…what do we have here? A sack of “fast food memorabilia” if you will: fry containers, used napkins, “burger” wrappers. These are all scattered along with a broken TV and possibly someone’s unfortunate Oldsmobile bumper. This should not be so folks. We are to show God respect, glory, and honor and I firmly believe that if we dump our trash out on His creation, well, wouldn’t it be like walking into someone’s house and scraping the caked-on mud off your shoes? It’s disrespectful. It’s the same with cluttering our brain with thoughts and ideas that don’t belong in His creation. We have the ability to clear out the clutter and litter on our roads and our minds!

It’s just occurred to me, as I write this, that it’s Earth Day. God is so cool…show him some respect today by picking up some ugly trash from His awesome Earth and taking captive some thoughts that have lingered to long in that beautiful mind of yours.

Distracted Head

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Tormented. my brain feels tormented. this isn’t something I would feel comfy sharing with my best friends, but I feel like I can share it on here for some reason. Because I’m writing. that’s why. someone once said, you ARE a writer. it’s not something you choose to do. Writers simply must write. that’s what I feel like. If i don’t write this down and get it out of my head, I may never be able to “function properly.” I’m not even sure what that means. Anyone who knows me or my writing understands that my thought process can take off on a tangent quicker than a beagle on a scent (for the country folks) or faster than Kim Kardashian on diamonds (for the city folks). I am undecided on anything you ask me today, “Do you want some coffee? ummmm…it…well…I ….” My stomach is literally growling to the point of nausea because I can’t make up my mind as to what I wish to feed it. I open the fridge door and just stare, only to realize that i’ve been standing there for minutes. When I was younger, adults would get on my case about focusing and completing a thought. My dad would ask why I couldn’t just finish one task, from the start to the end. Beats me…I still don’t know. I have an idea of course. In college, I was asked whether or not I thought I had ADD. “What? ADD? I don’t think…heeeeeeey, I like your boots! What were we talking about?”
I never wanted the diagnosis or the label so I never took the test…actually I think I may have taken the test, but never picked up the results. *chuckle. I was already on to something else. People will tell you that they have ADD and joke about it, but the truth is, when my brain starts to feel tormented is when I have to stop, slow down, and realize I’m not in this all by my lonesome. I think we all have “quirks” or “wiring” like that that causes us to need God. After all, if my brain never felt like this, i wouldn’t know His extreme and unexplainable peace.
I have attempted to read my Bible 3 times today, but couldn’t due to my distracted head. I don’t want any poor me’s as I hate those with a fiery passion thanks to my dad constantly telling me things like, “Pain don’t hurt, suck it up, and pull your boot straps up!” (Which FYI, makes no sense to a child, as I did not wear boots, much less ones with straps. I later changed it to “bra straps” as that made more sense to me.)
Kari Jobe sings quietly in the background about how she can find Jesus on her knees and I think that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Yet another example of me knowing what the solution is, (prayer) yet not doing it for some reason.

Kiss a Chicken

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Some days, you just gotta kiss a chicken. There are days when you overthink things. Today is one of them for me. “Why did he say that? What did she mean by that look? Where did that idea come from? Where will I be in five years? Do I look ok in orange…some can pull it off…geez, I hope I’m not one of the people who can’t and have been looking washed-out for years…”
Maybe it’s just me. I tend to overanalyze things to a fault. I can still hear my dad saying, “You think too much.” I remember thinking (Maybe dad was right.) “Aren’t there worse things than having a daughter who thinks?” The issue, I believe/think (I’m trying…), is that overthinkers tend to be worriers. What if? Why? How? and so on and so forth. I have really worked on not worrying and instead of saying, “I’m not worried, I’m concerned.” like some people I know, who shall remain nameless (Mom), I truly attempt to give it to God instead of hang on to the anxiety for fun.
Truth is, I have been described as “fly by the seat of my pants,” “easy-going,” and “chill.” That last one was from a friend of mine’s daughter. I’ve tried using it in conversation as an adjective, but I just sound like an elderly woman who needs to continue using it as a verb.
Christians have so many rules and regulations and goals for themselves, which is a good thing, to an extent. Then the situation can go the other way where you feel like you no longer know how to communicate correctly or the way God would want you to, so you stay at home in your flannel PJs for fear of affecting someone’s eternal salvation negatively.
Maybe I’m the only one who’s given the topic that much thought and that would be right on target for the overthinking brain. However, something tells me there is indeed someone out there who just needs to chill (see?)or accept that, in the words of a famous Jamaican, every little thing’s gonna be alright. Keep your overthinkin’ mind in check by reminding yourself that God’s got this, no matter what it is…and you can go out and find a chicken to kiss…for absolutely no reason at all. =)