Skip-Happy Day *sigh

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I’m going to admit something that I probably wouldn’t tell my closest friends. I find myself holding a grudge against God. I realized this when I was dealing with some symptoms of this illness and all I could think about was how often I had to deal with these symptoms. How much work I had to do in order to just get out the door in the morning. All I wanted was to live a “normal life”. I didn’t want to be like everybody else though. I want to do extraordinary things. I want to see extraordinary things done in my life and through my family’s lives. I don’t expect anything less from God until… That moment when I’m dealing with the same old stuff that I’ve dealt with for years. It’s like an open wound instead of an open conversation between me and God. It’s me looking at my situation, staring it right in the face and saying I’m willing to do anything to be better, to get better, just feel better. But… its not happening. Why isn’t it happening God? Why can’t we all just get really real with God and ask why? With tears in my eyes and a quiver in my voice, I ask, “What’s going on? Why am I not well? What further battle must I fight in order to show…” THAT’S where I trail off. Show what? What am I trying to show? I’m only human. I can take what I can take. But I’m at a breaking point. Something has to change and if it’s me, then so be it. I’m willing. I know I can’t do it on my own. Which is why I’m asking for help. What do i do? How do I act? What am I supposed to say when people ask me how I’m doing? Because the truth of the matter is: I’m not doing well. I don’t feel like myself. I’m dealing with thoughts that I haven’t had since I was a teenager. And I’m tired. The problem is even if I get 10 hours of sleep at night, which is not going to happen with two toddlers, I wouldn’t feel better. That’s my MO. That’s one of the very definitions of chronic fatigue. You wake up tired. And it’s not like you wake up tired, it’s like waking up tired every. single. day. It’s having to take a nap before you walk out the door and having to have someone with you when you’re going grocery shopping in case you get dizzy and start falling into the shelves. It’s that kind of tired. It’s those kind of symptoms. It’s not a secret. I’m not going to sit in silence and say I’m blessed and highly favored when someone asks because I’m dealing with some heavy stuff. (Disclaimer: I know I Ann blessed and highly favored. I just don’t feel the need to say it with a fake, plastered smile on my face every time someone truly wants to know how I’m doing.) But this is where I’m at with God and I needed to let somebody know that today. That it stinks. It stinks to be sick and nobody knows what’s wrong with you. The doctors are supposed to help you and they don’t. The specialist appointment  you count on and put all your hope in and pray for doesn’t provide any answers. All tests come back to normal. Hip hooray. You’re normal but you feel anything but. I’m reminded that I started this blog as therapy for myself. I wasn’t trying to fix anybody or fix anything. I just needed to be real and I needed to say
something true to myself and possibly on the behalf of faith. I have faith and I am a faithful person. And that doesn’t mean that every day is a skip – happy day. It means that I deal with things from a different perspective. That I have to fight against flesh every single day. But the battle is always on and if we let our guard down for even a second, that doesn’t mean the battle is over.

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About chronicchristian

I am a mother of 2, married to the best man in the world for 10 years and chasing after what God wants for my life. I currently deal with some symptoms some like to refer to as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I refer to them as past symptoms as I believe God is doing something awesome and she who guards her lips guards her life. This blog is good therapy. Maybe not for you, but definitely for me. God is good and I intend to prove it.

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