From 3 to 17 Years Old

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So here I sit. I want to be lying on the couch, watching old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, feeling guilty about watching Grey’s Anatomy, but here I sit. I’m a wallower at times. This is what I’m learning. I like to wallow in my “sorrow” whatever it may be and some days, I’ll make it up. The postman will give me “a look” or a passerby won’t smile and I’ll stomp like a 3 year old in my mind and give a “HMMMMPH!” in true, snotty princess fashion. Then I dwell. I dwell there like it’s my couch when Grey’s Anatomy is on. (I literally just started watching this show less than 2 months ago and like any good nighttime soap opera, it sucked me in.) In true fleshy, human fashion, I like to dwell and mentally rehearse situations over and over ad nauseum in my head until I can’t possibly stand to think about it anymore for at least 14 days. I’ve also been in some sort of revert pattern where I block out anything that I should do and blatantly choose to do something I want to do instead. I wonder if it’s a mom thing. For instance, instead of buying toilet paper, I buy a new lipstick. (Ok, that’s an exaggeration. I already have lipstick.) I rebel against myself. It’s not helpful to my, oh say, life. I find myself behaving like a 17-year-old, shrugging my shoulders, shaking my head, upper lip jutted more than Jagger’s, stating defiantly, “I don’t have to do that. There’s no way I’m gonna do that.” It’s all-encompassing and selfish and I am resentful. I don’t get to live the life I want right now. I get tired. And I hurt. And I don’t get to do everything I want to do. I don’t even have the energy at times to stomp like that 3 year old. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but maybe, on some level it will help someone. Sometimes you feel like you’re in the boat alone, but in reality, it’s a packed cruise liner. I’ve gotta be really honest and say I hope it does, but I don’t care if it doesn’t. (It’s my blog and I get to make it about me whenever I want.) God’s bringing me through some stuff. I don’t really want to learn anything new right now. I’m fighting him the whole way at this point. I wanna get sucked in to McDreamy’s next surgery and Korev’s childhood issues instead of dealing with my own.  And truly, something in my heart just got set free. I think maybe because I was honest with myself about my own idiotic, scowling selfishness. I gave it a name as I heard a therapist, possibly on Grey’s Anatomy say. Maybe now I get to shake it off. Day 6 of God30 and I might be on my way to enlightenment. The 17-year-old who seems to be living inside me gives a sarcastic eye roll.

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About chronicchristian

I am a mother of 2 children who I realized not long ago I can't call "toddlers" anymore, married to the best man in the world for 12 years and chasing after what God wants for my life. I currently deal with some symptoms and have for the past 9 years, that resemble an autoimmune illness. Currently my own body is attacking my thyroid (seems it could find something better to do) and the doctors I've seen are at a loss as to what the plan might be. I believe God has the very best plan and that He is doing something awesome and she who guards her lips guards her life. This blog is good therapy. Maybe not for you, but definitely for me. God is good and I intend to prove it.

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