From 3 to 17 Years Old

Standard

So here I sit. I want to be lying on the couch, watching old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, feeling guilty about watching Grey’s Anatomy, but here I sit. I’m a wallower at times. This is what I’m learning. I like to wallow in my “sorrow” whatever it may be and some days, I’ll make it up. The postman will give me “a look” or a passerby won’t smile and I’ll stomp like a 3 year old in my mind and give a “HMMMMPH!” in true, snotty princess fashion. Then I dwell. I dwell there like it’s my couch when Grey’s Anatomy is on. (I literally just started watching this show less than 2 months ago and like any good nighttime soap opera, it sucked me in.) In true fleshy, human fashion, I like to dwell and mentally rehearse situations over and over ad nauseum in my head until I can’t possibly stand to think about it anymore for at least 14 days. I’ve also been in some sort of revert pattern where I block out anything that I should do and blatantly choose to do something I want to do instead. I wonder if it’s a mom thing. For instance, instead of buying toilet paper, I buy a new lipstick. (Ok, that’s an exaggeration. I already have lipstick.) I rebel against myself. It’s not helpful to my, oh say, life. I find myself behaving like a 17-year-old, shrugging my shoulders, shaking my head, upper lip jutted more than Jagger’s, stating defiantly, “I don’t have to do that. There’s no way I’m gonna do that.” It’s all-encompassing and selfish and I am resentful. I don’t get to live the life I want right now. I get tired. And I hurt. And I don’t get to do everything I want to do. I don’t even have the energy at times to stomp like that 3 year old. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but maybe, on some level it will help someone. Sometimes you feel like you’re in the boat alone, but in reality, it’s a packed cruise liner. I’ve gotta be really honest and say I hope it does, but I don’t care if it doesn’t. (It’s my blog and I get to make it about me whenever I want.) God’s bringing me through some stuff. I don’t really want to learn anything new right now. I’m fighting him the whole way at this point. I wanna get sucked in to McDreamy’s next surgery and Korev’s childhood issues instead of dealing with my own.  And truly, something in my heart just got set free. I think maybe because I was honest with myself about my own idiotic, scowling selfishness. I gave it a name as I heard a therapist, possibly on Grey’s Anatomy say. Maybe now I get to shake it off. Day 6 of God30 and I might be on my way to enlightenment. The 17-year-old who seems to be living inside me gives a sarcastic eye roll.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s