Always to the Left

Standard

Well, in doing some mental calculations, carrying the one, then dividing by the year, and subtracting no symptoms, I come to the realization that I’ve been dealing with this illness for over 6 years. (I never was very good at math.) This is very discouraging to me because waaaay back in the beginning of my “diagnosis”—it is a “diagnosis” because a diagnosis usually has a cure, a treatment plan, and clear cut symptoms to rule out and pinpoint, but Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has nothing of the sort. I’ve always rejected that “diagnosis” and will forever put it in quotes to denote that I wholeheartedly disagree. Ok, , so way back when the doctor said this to me, he said it usually worked itself out in 5 years. At the time, I thought, “5 years? Who has that kinda time and patience?” As it turns out, I do.

It’s been over 6. I’ve seen everyone. Been everywhere. Had every test, including the one where they put a needle into muscle, then send electrical current through both to test conduction of nerves. I must say that was one of my least favorite. I’m not sure what my favorite is…that’ll be another article possibly. The doctor told my husband and I to stop trying to have kids after we obviously took a little longer to come to the conclusion to even have children. We decided our Bible said we didn’t have to. I’m so glad we stood in faith on God’s plan, not man’s. We have not one, but two amazing blessings thanks to Him!

I always hesitate to write about symptoms, but it is my hope and prayer that this will help someone. I’m a firm believer in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) but I also know what I deal with day in and day out. I’ve been healed since the beginning, but I’m certainly waiting (not-so-patiently) on the manifestation of that healing I guess. His thoughts are higher than mine…His ways are higher than mine…His thoughts are higher than mine…

So, here we go: symptoms I deal with on a daily basis, as this will be helpful to someone when I find my cure…

Dizziness, the kind where you try to blink to make it go away, but only makes your head spin more

Lightheadedness, a zoning out feeling making my head feel like it’s going to float off my body

Migraines, especially after I go to the work God has blessed me with

Falling to the left, always to the left (I appear to be the only one in the human race that finds this significant.)

Muscle weakness, an overwhelming feeling of unstrength in every muscle fiber

Utter fatigue, as in I can’t make my arms move anymore at times

Pain, in joints, but no particular one and in muscles, sharp, shooting, aching, dull, always a not-so-fun toss up of where it will be that day/hour

Susceptibility to other illnesses, a cold can take me down

Complete contentment at times with not breathing. This one may scare some, but it’s true. My body simply doesn’t have the energy to inspire at times. I stop, as though to give my body a break.

At one point, I had to call my husband, barely able to dial the phone to let him know that as I was driving to work, I pulled over because my body stopped. This happened at the very beginning of this journey when I dropped a pen while writing a report and couldn’t pick it up. The ambulance came and had to extract me from the vehicle, fully awake, just couldn’t make my body move. At least I’m different…*sigh.

I refuse to stop. I refuse to give up on this. After all, what choice do I have? I’ve seen specialists, taken up to 40+supplements a day, been on different prescribed medications, but in the end and through it all, I just need more Jesus. I don’t want to be the sick girl and I won’t be. I am the girl that Jesus healed because of her faith. I’m not sure what the plan is or how it will come about, but I know there’s coming a day on this earth, that I don’t have to deal with this. I know so many people have it so much worse than I do and for those I pray today because I have an idea of what it feels like, at the very least, to not have your day/life go as planned…

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