it’s not the actual drinking anyone has a problem with. In fact, I miss that social aspect at times. it’s the drinking that continues when you’re alone, and you continue to isolate yourself. it’s the hangovers where you wanna be left alone. it’s the watching the clock to see if it’s ok for you to have a beer yet. it’s the memory loss. it’s the way you look at people like they’re crazy for saying anything to you about your drinking. it’s the time wasted. it’s the memories missed. it’s the pain of not remembering important conversations. it’s the distractibility you show when others try to tell you something they’ve been waiting to tell you for a while because it’s special. it’s the activities you don’t participate in because there’s no drinking involved. it’s the “friends” you have when you drink, but only when you drink. it’s the jokes people make about you that you laugh at, but hurt inside. it’s that still, small voice that says you can quit, you just have to trust in the God that made you. You have to know that He can do anything and above all, He wants to. You have to know that people have been praying for you for years without you even knowing it. You have to know that it’s a problem, it’s an addiction, and it’s not fun anymore. People don’t enjoy hearing not only the same stories, but the longest version of them possible. Accept it. Own it. It’s there, but it can be taken away. You can be delivered by the almighty grace of God that never fails. Even when you’re not sure you need that deliverance. Even when you’re pretty sure you don’t. There are too many nights when you get just drunk enough to know that you do. You relive the past. The hurts, drama, losses. That’s how the enemy gets you. That’s the plan, believe it or not. You sink deeper and deeper until you can no longer remember your true smile. Only one that hides the pain of events long past. You have been a target. You have been a victim. You have been pushed into the mire and you just have to do what comes naturally. You have to reach up your hands to the One who loves you more than anything so that He can pull you out.
This is something I wrote a couple years back but didn’t have the guts to publish at that time. I have been free from alcohol for going on 4 years now, through no effort of my own. I thank Jesus for removing the blinders. There is no way I could ever thank Him enough. Reading this took me back to that place of helplessness and that beer can that whispered, “You don’t have to do this.” Alcohol made it very easy to believe that there was no God that loved me and if He was out there, He surely wasn’t interested in me…or happy with this lush of a woman. The freedom I gained on March 12, 2009 is irreplaceable and unprecedented in my life. Words can’t possibly describe, even though I try my best, how thankful I am to have my life, a real life, back from the dark, miry depths of depression, self-loathing, and alcoholism. Thank You God!