His Timing At Times
Here I am God. I’m discouraged and disheartened. It is not one event that takes your faith-filled breath away; it’s one event, then numerous smaller ones. It’s not one huge sucker punch to the gut, a pretty big one, then many more jabs and kicks. This has been one of the roughest months of my life. I have felt condemned, guilt, overwhelming sadness, and an overall lack of…of…something. What? What is it that I feel like I don’t have? Connection? Intimacy? Love? Self-worth?
I know God’s there, always. Why don’t I feel Him in situations we’re dealing with at times? Death, illness, suicides, accidents…attacks. I’m supposed to sit back with my sweet tea, repeating, “God’s workin’ in mysterious ways…” (Southern accent optional)
Why don’t I feel equipped for these attacks? Isn’t this what we as believers are supposed to be prepared for? Aren’t we the ones that unbelievers are supposed to say, “Wow! That HAS to be God in her life! I don’t know how else she would’ve made it through!” Where are my bootstraps I’m supposed to pull up? Why can’t I quote Scripture and everything will reverse itself? Why can’t I stand with my Bible up in the air, screaming, “Amen! Let it be so!” and all the idiosyncracies fall single-file into line with the Word of God?
Please don’t misunderstand, I do not mean this to be disrespectful to my God and Creator. I am simply seeking the answers He personally promised to me. I am coming boldly, yet fearfully, to His throne. I pray and yet don’t seem to be heard. No, that’s not the truth. I am heard. I know this. I don’t feel as though my prayers are being answered. Why does it always seem to take our Father FOREVER? His timing, I know…Dare I say I detest His timing at times? Is that too bold? He knows what I’m thinking anyway. Let’s get really honest here! I don’t like the way God mosies about in some situations. My brain moves fast (He should know this, He created me), so fast I’ve tried medication to little avail. I find myself trying to slow myself down and at the same time, speed God up!
How hilarious! I’m attempting to rush the Almighty God of the Universe to fit into MY plan! That’s the most ridiculous revelation I’ve had in awhile! Jesus loves me, this I know. Why would I ever try to play God and pretend I know better than He…why would I think I could run a universe? I have trouble picking out what clothes I want to wear.