Shaken and Stirred Faith


I figured out why others’ deaths are so difficult for me to handle. It’s because I suddenly feel as though I don’t know God. I not only don’t know Him, but I don’t know His will anymore.
Back when I got down with my illness, I had people tell me that I would be healed. I had what I believe to be a true prophet tell me God spoke to her saying I was already healed of this disease. I read a book by Kenneth Hagin that stated we already know God’s will in each sickness situation: to heal. Just today I read on a Facebook post that if it wasn’t God’s will to heal, then why did Jesus do it? I believe all of this. And I stand firm in my faith…or at least I’m trying at this point. It honestly feels somewhat shaky and I’m waiting, crying out for God to stabilize it. The reason for my shaken faith is my uncle’s passing. He had battled liver cancer for the past 4 or 5 years, which I hear is longer than the “usual” time for liver cancer battlers. I prayed. We prayed. Strangers prayed. Family prayed. Churches prayed. The effectual fervent prayers of a righteous man availeth much.
They callled in hospice on Friday and he passed on Tues morning. Was it a lack of faith in prayer? Was it God’s will to not heal him? My God is able to overcome anything…so why didn’t He overcome this nasty disease for my loved one? I have gone back and forth wondering whether I should put this in print. The conclusion I came to was that I am not the first, nor the last, to question God. And He knows what I’m thinking already. There is no hiding. I tried that for many, many years. If this is in any way affecting someone negatively, I ask forgiveness and apologize. My hope is to receive some kind of answer that I can be at peace with and when that happens, which I’m sure it will if I know my God, I plan to let you all in on it.


About chronicchristian

I am a mother of 2 children who I realized not long ago I can't call "toddlers" anymore, married to the best man in the world for 12 years and chasing after what God wants for my life. I currently deal with some symptoms and have for the past 9 years, that resemble an autoimmune illness. Currently my own body is attacking my thyroid (seems it could find something better to do) and the doctors I've seen are at a loss as to what the plan might be. I believe God has the very best plan and that He is doing something awesome and she who guards her lips guards her life. This blog is good therapy. Maybe not for you, but definitely for me. God is good and I intend to prove it.

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