David’s audacity in Psalm 26 just astounds me. “I have led a blameless life.” Really? Can any of us say that? I know there have been times when I whined and said, “Why me, God? I haven’t done anything wrong!” All the while in the back of my head, I’m thinking, “Oh yeah, there was that…” But a preacher on one of the Christian channels the other day said something to the effect of, noone in the Bible ever came to God “piously” with his hands folded and head bowed. We’re forgiven. We’re forgiven up one side and down the other. Thank God that He blesses our attempts, but also that He patiently waits for us to attempt! As I sat pondering this, it shook somethin’ up in me like a can of Mountain Dew riding in the passenger seat with Mario Andretti back in the day! WE have to be BOLD and with this new year we have to enter into it knowing full well Who we serve. We, as believers can’t be limited by our thinking, we have to adopt God’s way of thinking. Do you truly believe God is sitting there wondering how all this is gonna work out? How that bill will get paid, what will happen if the treatment doesn’t work, our brother’s job status? What if we entered into His presence knowing what He knows? Believing what He told us to believe? We are believers after all, right? What if we BOLDLY showed ourselves that we can do ALL things because we have Him on our side?
For me, a lot of this boils down to what people think. What would someone think if I asked to pray for them right there in the checkout line? He says we’ll have what we ask for in His name. Period. That may or may not mean that person in the wheelchair is going to get up and walk out of Huck’s because you prayed for him, but what if he did?! What if we get to heaven and that man comes strolling, or running, up to us thanking us for that day and our boldness? This year I wanna live for the after-effects in heaven, not the natural effects here on earth. We aren’t here long enough to worry about what other people think. Jesus is our model and He surely didn’t.
Don’t Stop Boldly Believin’
I Look Great Today!
“You look great!” These three little words came out of the doctor’s mouth today as I sat smiling. Looking back on the past month, things in general have been great. Awe-inspiringly, God is friggin-amazingly, unbelievably GREAT! I began the supplements, which consist of no less than 27 per day, at various intervals. In the morning, with my tea (Lord help me, I’m trying to cut back on coffee) after I eat lunch, and 30 minutes prior to beddy bye. And it appears to all be worth it, as just one person noticed that I do not look as though I have slept for 2 hours in the past week then walked 7 miles in the rain, sleet and snow, when in reality, I had slept for 10 hours and taken a shower that morning, thus causing the “fatigued” appearance.
Write Again
Well, here it goes…I feel as though God wants me to write. Each time I pray about it, all I hear is write for now…right now. Gotta love God. He’ll never let you down if you look for answers in Him. Since my last entry I have become a mother. Whew. What can you say about motherhood? More than I have the energy to type to be quite honest. It’s so stressful and anxiety-laden at times. I’ve truly worked at not being nervous and yet if she coughs more than twice, i’m afraid she’s gonna explode a lung or something. Where does that come from?? Within 3 months of mothering, I completely understand a lifetime of worries my mama had! “Wear a coat, make sure you wear a hat, don’t run, you’ll break a toe!” Is that last one a common statement? It was in my house due to a pinky toe injury my father sustained. I want to be the best mom ever, yet not one that has to be perfect. I’m trying to roll with the punches, but feel like I’m takin’ em in every part of my anatomy. (Don’t even get me started on breastfeeding…simple and convenient my left cheek!) I treasure the time I have with her and love to look into her eyes as she looks up at mine. It’s true love all over again. It’s immeasurably more than anything I could’ve asked for and hoped for. I love that she holds my finger while she eats now and smiles at me in the mornings. I love that I no longer need to set an alarm as she is my alarm…whether she cries, hiccups, burps or farts. She is my everything and in such a short time! How does this happen? God had it all figured out and timed perfectly!A minute earlier and I wouldn’t have been ready. A minute later and I would’ve felt as though He were running late. I sit here in awe that He always knows just what I’m needing and when. As for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, well, that is just another brick on the road of life I stepped on to get to where I am. I believe I am healed. That doesn’t mean I don’ t have symptoms sometimes and that’s one of the most difficult things for me to accept. I still plan to run the good race as well as a 5K. I hope to do this very soon, possibly with a kid strapped to my back.
Help Me to Not Understand
God has really been working with me on understanding that I don’t have to understand. This has been a very long quest as there is a constant stream of ugly events to not try to understand. There are “untimely” deaths, very ill children who are looking death in the face, tornados, hurricanes, floods, murders, accidents, politicians doing crazy things. Watch the news for the first five minutes and you might question where God is in all of this and what is going on in this world? Why does He let it happen? What are we doing wrong as believers? Are we being punished? Why aren’t we protected from it all? (You may not be wondering these things, but I’m just gonna be straight-up, honest-to-God here and say I have personally struggled a lot with these questions.)
As I lay (lie, lain? Sorry Mrs. Green…) in bed last night, it came to me plain as the spot on my ceiling: that it’s simply not my job to understand. You work at your job. When I worked in the factory, a common response was “That’s not my job.” There could have been an oil spill on the working floor and operators would walk away, quoting this. That’s the attitude we need to have: “That’s not my job.” Finally, a positive spin on this statement! I’ve been working at a job that is not mine. It’s the Almighty’s. At long last! A job I don’t have to put on my To-Do-Yesterday list! Understanding is not my job at all. MY job is to simply believe that God knows what He’s doing and have faith that it is well. No matter what’s thrown at us, weather, death, illness, we simply stand. Knowing that God is in control. We stand in complete comprehension that He’s got our backs and I’m convinced that He knows it sucks, but He also knows we’ll make it through. We don’t have to get it, we just have to know the One that does.
Untitled
So, this am began as many do: with me in search of coffee (decaf now as I am preggo…yes I like coffee THAT much) and a plan for the day. Last nite, during a much anticipated storm, I vowed to pray for a certain amount of time in order to get a little closer to the God I know in a fragmented way and love dearly. As I sat down, I remembered I had to make a phone call. Then as I began to type, I got a phone call. It was at this time that I realized I needed to start dinner. You can guess how it goes and how distraction, even important ones, play a role in keeping us from doing what we need to.
It was brought to my attention that God has many names and the reason for that is so that we can begin to understand Him. For instance, He is not only our Provider, He is our Protectector and our Friend. There are so many facets to God, I can only hope to one day know Him as one of His numerous names. He is our Tower of Safety, which I greatly needed last night, and He is a Lord Who Heals. I know from first-hand experience He is a Healer, as I should not be able to do half of what I can, due to a syndrome. As I type this, I feel something tell me that I can’t do many things and that I never did my 5K and that there are many days where I feel as though I’ve been hit by a MACK truck. I hear that if God is a Healer, then what happened with my uncle? He had cancer. Is cancer too big for my God? One of the most immense and important ways I have grown in this walk is recognizing the voice of the enemy. He is always there to question, condemn, steal, kill, and destroy—he does this on a daily basis to people’s hopes, dreams, and joy. He tells me that no one will benefit from my writing this and I’m wasting my time. And to that, I say with all the maturity I can muster, “Ppppppppppbbbbbbbfffffffthhhhhttttt!” (I think that’s how that’s spelled.”)
The fact is, I started this blog as a means to my own end…to pain and hurt, both emotional and physical. It was my therapy, as no one, not even your mother wants to hear when you say you don’t care if you live or die. That’s exactly where I was at not too long ago and God has not only delivered me from a deep, dark, self-pitying depression, but also from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome complete with Fibromayalgia pain. He has saved me from my own choices in that I no longer choose to drown my feelings in a can of beer and I no longer have to hold a cigarette in my hand if I am stressed…or happy…or saddened…or bewildered. (I really love that word.) My biggest fear is that I will be judged and I know now that fear is not an option for me any longer. I have become a bold, Christian woman, one that doesn’t shrink back and disguise herself as one who doesn’t know anything about anything. God is good, all the time, no matter what lies the devil throws your way. It is because of Him that I am able to put myself out there.
Shaken and Stirred Faith
I figured out why others’ deaths are so difficult for me to handle. It’s because I suddenly feel as though I don’t know God. I not only don’t know Him, but I don’t know His will anymore.
Back when I got down with my illness, I had people tell me that I would be healed. I had what I believe to be a true prophet tell me God spoke to her saying I was already healed of this disease. I read a book by Kenneth Hagin that stated we already know God’s will in each sickness situation: to heal. Just today I read on a Facebook post that if it wasn’t God’s will to heal, then why did Jesus do it? I believe all of this. And I stand firm in my faith…or at least I’m trying at this point. It honestly feels somewhat shaky and I’m waiting, crying out for God to stabilize it. The reason for my shaken faith is my uncle’s passing. He had battled liver cancer for the past 4 or 5 years, which I hear is longer than the “usual” time for liver cancer battlers. I prayed. We prayed. Strangers prayed. Family prayed. Churches prayed. The effectual fervent prayers of a righteous man availeth much.
They callled in hospice on Friday and he passed on Tues morning. Was it a lack of faith in prayer? Was it God’s will to not heal him? My God is able to overcome anything…so why didn’t He overcome this nasty disease for my loved one? I have gone back and forth wondering whether I should put this in print. The conclusion I came to was that I am not the first, nor the last, to question God. And He knows what I’m thinking already. There is no hiding. I tried that for many, many years. If this is in any way affecting someone negatively, I ask forgiveness and apologize. My hope is to receive some kind of answer that I can be at peace with and when that happens, which I’m sure it will if I know my God, I plan to let you all in on it.
God and Rutabagas
Ok, so I’ve discovered that reading the Old Testament, even in my NIV Bible, just isn’t my favorite activity. I think all the killing and gory eye-gouging could have something to do with it. The armies that destroy other armies, the lands that are invaded by locusts, the kings who fall and die inevitable, scary deaths due to their disobedience…
I realized it wasn’t so much that reading about all of this bothered this dainty little flower, after all, I did work in a factory; it was the fact that my Father was really, really mad! I don’t want Dad to be furious! With anyone! Much less me if I do something wrong! These guys knew what they should be doing, yet they didn’t. Even though they knew the One and Only God of Creation was lookin’ in on them! That had to be disappointing to any father.
The world paints a very stern, upset, ugly (if you ask me), demeaning picture of my God. He’s holding lightning bolts, or causing the earth to shake when someone says a curse word. It’s so weird to me, but I have thought back over the years of my personal image of God and it wasn’t much different. I was afraid He’d shake my world up if I said the wrong thing, or didn’t do as He asked. I’d be punished, I’d pay for what I had done! I know now to the very core of my being that it hurts God’s heart when we go against Him. He is loving, compassionate, and honorable. He is an amazing Father! What could we ever do that would cause Him to WANT to hurt us? NOTHING. That’s simply and undeniably not the way He is. It’s not in His nature. Just like for many of us, it’s not in our nature to drive slowly, attend a Kenny G concert, or eat rutabagas. It’s just not who we are. We need to take the time to get to know Him and we do that by reading His Word, even the Old Testament.
Child’s Play
Chasing after God, like kids playing Tag on a playground, is an all-consuming task. The individuals involved are focused, unwilling to waver, and determined to meet their goal. When we get wild about Jesus and attempt to get close enough to “tag” God, our lives take an undeniable turn in the right direction. Our focus is on our Father, our “It,” just like an eight-year-old and his target on the playground.
As adults we want to know every detail before we begin, but as children, we never cared about the specifics. We’d play anywhere: parks, schoolyards, backyards, Walmart! We don’t have to be a certain spiritual point in our lives to chase after God. Sometimes I think we want to wait until we know more, until we’re more educated, until we can run to Him more confidently. Hebrews 4:16 says “So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” We don’t need any credentials or degrees as children of the Most-High God!
Remember “base”? That was the place where we were safe. No one could bother us or tag us if we were in this spot. We’ve accumulated some “bases” in our adult lives: prescription drugs, alcohol, smoking, a critical and judgmental spirit, sarcastic attitude, and our “busy-ness.” The list goes on and on of material possessions, feelings, and addictions that not only keep us in our comfort zones, but dull our willingness to move forward! God delivers us from these things so that we can be unleashed and prepared to hop on track with Him and His plan. We simply have to let Him! After all, the game was always more fun when there wasn’t a base!
Children play Tag because it’s fun and we,need to remember that we do not serve a boring, lackluster King. Our God is ever-present, alive, long-suffering, and exhilarating! The most remarkable element about playing this game with God and chasing after Him is that we don’t come back unfulfilled or empty-handed. He tags us back! There has never been a time in my life where I sought after a relationship with God and I returned from my journey disappointed. Psalm 103:5 tells us that He satisfies with good things. God has always given me something: a sign, a word, a revelation, a connection to someone I have never spoken to before, or simply a “wink” to let me know I’m on the right path and I’m this close to touching the hem of His robe!
Just like a spirited game of Tag, we have the tools we need to chase after our All-Knowing Father. It’s just us and Him! “I will give them a heart to know Me.” (Jeremiah 24:7) We chase after God by spending quality time with Him. “Quality time” does not mean you sit with your Bible on your lap while watching Rachael Ray. We have to close ourselves off from this world, then pray, read what God has to tell us that day, and pray some more. It’s a daily choice to put Him and His mission first on our To-Do lists.
3rd John 1:4 says, “I have no greater joy than to know my children are walking in the truth.” Have you ever seen anyone walk in a game of Tag? Let’s run!!
No Push-But Still Crashed
the ups and downs of this life are unexplainable…and after you’ve been the proud owner of a “syndrome” you wonder if they’re due to that syndrome or just life in general. I have endlessly attempted to figure this crap out, changing my diet, altering my sleep schedule, getting ON a sleep schedule, exercising, cutting carbs, eliminating sugar, taking in more fiber than any pasture animal, and consuming supplements like they were the last bag of M & M’s. I have now reached a point where I am giving up for now.
The “push-crash” is enough to do you in. See, in CFS, this is supposedly a well-known term, something my mother has warned me about since I was diagnosed. It goes, “If you push yourself too hard, you will crash later inevitably.” It’s the crash part I have trouble with as I have had the pushing part down for years. The difficulty lies in the idea that I can’t shower, dress, and brush my teeth without becoming short of breath and crashing. I could understand if I was digging ditches or performing in a circus, but come on.
Pains, fatigue, migraines, moods, and immobile limbs have all come back. I had a day JUST like the one I had over a year and a half ago this week. HOW is that possible?? I’ve slurped up potions, fiber mixtures, downed literally 38 supplements a day, slept more than 14 hours just to wake up and say, “Yup, still tired.” I’ve tried chiropractors, massage therapists, nutritionists, detoxers…I’ve visited every known specialist; I’m currently scheduled for 5 appoinments with an accupuncturist and I hate needles. I am currently struggling with the idea that I am healed, that is what God has promised me. Since this is the case, which I believe in my heart it is, then why must I endure all this?
My Special Specialist
As I sit here, my body hurts, my head aches, I am too tired to function, yet yesterday, I stood at the desk of another specialist. A special specialist. One that I believe I prayed to find. One I traveled hours to see. I refuse to give up hope and faith that this is the intervention I spoke to God, the one, the only about. The receptionists are friendly, even remembering my name after the initial meeting. The doctor is knowledgeable and informative, with answers and everything! A virus. In my brain. That’s what he believes this is. Well, THERE’S one I hadn’t thought of. I’m sure that some thought it was indeed “all in my head,” but I didn’t figure this was the way they meant it.
At first, I felt panic. Then within the same 1/2 minute, I felt an “Ahhhh…” moment. I felt as though this could actually be and make sense with regard to my symptoms and more importantly why the symptoms were not going away. The doctor couldn’t speak fast enough concerning the next step. I’m not certain what he said for a good minute after his life-changing opinion, but I know supplements are involved. His idea is to build the body up, boost the immune system (you know, the one I tore down after a decade of drinking and smoking, yeah, that one) so that I am able to fight against this infection. Honestly, the idea exhausts me right now. I feel much like a deflated exercise ball. Tomorrow will be a new day. I will fight tomorrow. Tonight, I rest in the knowledge that God’s got a plan and He’s in control.
